Surviving a Narcissistic Mother

Surviving a Narcissistic Mother Do you believe that your opinions and feelings don't matter? Do you believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with you? Do you believe that, no matter how high your achievements or how hard you try, you will never be good enough? Well, join the crowd. You may be one of the millions of people who were raised by a Narcissistic mother. I just discovered that I, too, am among the ranks of this particular group of people, those who had a mother who loved herself far more than she could ever love her children, a mother who crippled and abused her children with her Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissistic Personality disorder, or NPD, (named after the mythological Narcissus, who died gazing at his reflection in a pool of water) is, according to the Mayo Clinic, "a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. They believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings." Though this description sounds like healthy self-esteem run amuck, NPD has little in common with true self-esteem. People with healthy self-esteem love and value themselves as MUCH as they love and value others. In contrast, people with NPD value themselves MORE than they value others-in fact, they put themselves WAY above everyone else-and have no regard at all for the rights and the feelings of others. Though most people have some narcissistic traits, this does not mean that most people have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Rather, NPD is a spectrum disorder, which means that people can have various, and varying, symptoms of the disorder without being clinically diagnosable as an NPD. However, the more of these symptoms (as listed by the Mayo Clinic) the person displays, the more likely he or she is to be a full-blown NPD: Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder *Believing that you're better than others *Fantacizing about power, success, and attractiveness *Exaggerating your achievements or talents *Expecting constant praise and admiration *Believing that you're special *Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings *Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans *Taking advantage of others *Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior *Being jealous of others *Believing that others are jealous of you *Trouble keeping healthy relationships *Setting unrealistic goals *Being easily hurt and rejected *Having a fragile self-esteem *Appearing as tough minded or unemotional By the way, though the Mayo Clinic words this list as though YOU want to know whether or not YOU have NPD, someone with a true Narcissistic Personality Disorder is unlikely to be looking for such information. Rather, they will never seek any kind of psychological help, look for any symptoms of mental/emotional traits that fit themselves, or even read any self-help books, because, in their view...NOTHING is wrong with THEM. The dangers of having a Narcissistic Mother Though my mother had all of those traits, it is not necessary for your mother to have all of them in order to have done similar damage to your psyche. According to Dr. Karyl McBride, author of the book Will I ever be good enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, "mothers with only a few traits listed can negatively affect their daughters in insidious ways." For me, and for most daughters of Narcissistic mothers (whether or not your mother had a full-blown NPD) being raised by such a woman damaged your self-esteem and confidence because: *She never really listened to you *She always turned any discussion of your concerns/problems back to HERSELF *She showed, by words and actions, that your concerns/problems were nowhere NEAR as important or serious as were HERS. *She viciously turned on you if you DARED have any opinions that differed from hers. *She constantly criticized you and very seldom praised you, no matter how hard you tried or how much you actually achieved. This treatment, by a mother, has far-reaching and long-lasting effects on her children, especially her daughters, who try their best to fit into the mold of their mother's expectations. For me, my mother's behavior gave me a serious inferiority complex. In fact, in emotions, thoughts, and behavior, I am the exact OPPOSITE of a Narcissist-which, in its own way, is just as bad as having NPD. For instance, I have very little confidence. Most of the time, in fact, I feel UNWORTHY to breathe the same air as other people. Moreover, I am overly concerned with other's opinions of me (striving for their approval) so much so that I drive myself crazy trying to be what I feel other people want me to be rather than who I truly am. Worse, I have internalized my narcissistic mother. I take her with me everywhere now, this inner voice that criticizes everything that I do, everything that I say, everything that I AM. I can never be good enough to quiet the criticisms of this inner voice, just as nothing I could ever do was good enough to quiet my mother's disapproval. First Step to Healing If you were raised by a narcissistic mother, you can heal some (if not most) of the emotional scars that she carved into your psyche. The first step is to realize that the way she acted toward you had nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with HER. She couldn't help it. Her narcissistic and, not infrequently, cruel behavior stemmed from a deep inner insecurity that she didn't know how to deal with, so she protected herself the only way she knew how-by lashing out at others, demeaning others, and forcing them to agree with her...or else. In this way, she protected her truly fragile ego. As a child, of course, you felt that you could somehow win her love and approval: If you only tried hard enough If you gave her constant attention and approval If you followed her every command If you agreed with her opinions But you couldn't ever win her love and approval because a narcissist HAS to keep you off-balance. The only way that she can maintain her power, and keep her fragile ego intact, is by keeping you hopping, wondering how to please her so that you can feel safe for awhile. Thus, her behavior toward you is totally unpredictable. One minute, she is taking you out to dinner for some celebration, the next minute she is bemoaning the fact that she didn't have an abortion the year that they became legal (which just HAPPENED to be the year that you were born.) One minute she is laughing at your joke, the next minute she is berating you for your obnoxious behavior. One minute she is slapping your face over your "disrespect" toward her, the next she is fawning over you at the local store, telling everyone how proud she is of her daughter. It never ends. But her power over your emotions CAN end. Now that you are an adult, your job is to analyze how your mother emotionally tortured and manipulated you, and WHY, and realize that you were not responsible for any of it. It wasn't you. It was HER. You are fine just the way you are, you ARE good enough, and nobody (and nothing) will ever shame you again. Especially not your narcissistic mother.