Is your mother Narcissistic?

I came to the realization not too long ago that I have a narcissistic mother. This happened when my friend was describing her mom. I was shocked at the similarities of my mom to her mother, that I was compelled to tell her that my mom is so similar with her mom. It was then that she told me that my mom could be narcissistic like her mom.

But, What is really a Narcissistic Mother?


In laymen's term, it is a mother who is suffering with a narcissistic disorder.

The name narcissist came from the Greek mythology character Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection.

Anyone with narcissistic disorder reflects everything on to other people, which is most applicable when it comes to narcissistic parents.

A narcissistic mother may only care about herself, but will not deny the chance to claim credit for their child's achievements.

She would never be critical of  herself. She is blameless and will never accept any responsibility for anything. Nothing will ever be her fault.

But she would be highly critical of everyone around them. Criticizing is her favorite hobby and criticism is her natural language. She will hardly recognize she is critical of others. Her criticism extends to everything to the point that even celebrities will not be talented or good-looking enough.

Instead of accepting that she may have lacked something to be great in whatever field, she will criticize others who seem to be doing well in that field.

If your own attempts on your chosen field, does not succeed, be prepared to hear her "I told you so."

She will negate nearly everything good that you did. You will never be good enough.

Even if you try to become as perfect as possible to please her, she will still criticize you in return.

She will not fail to make negative comments about your body, your weight, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair, and she will do it as long as she can.

I am not a mental health expert but I have researched and studied a lot of materials on this, on the hopes of having a better relationship with my mom. And I want to share everything that I have learned from these studies, in the hopes of helping out other daughters who are suffering from this dilemma.

From  my research, there are two basic types of narcissistic mothers:

1. The ones who are so wrapped up in themselves that they ignore their children, and 
2. the ones who attempt to take over completely. 

My mom is of the latter, so I will be sharing more of this type of the narcissistic mother.

Narcissistic mothers who attempt to take over completely, spend most of their time criticizing you. Sadly, It would be very seldom that it will be a constructive criticism.


Why are they so critical?

One reason that they are critical of you, is because you are an extension of them and you reflect upon them. They will never admit this fact, but they believe this, that is why they place a huge emphasis on your appearance.  They are afraid that might think bad of her based on what they see in you.

You will see below a not so Comprehensive list of the Characteristics of a Narcissistic Mother.

See if your mother:

• Lack empathy
• is charming to others except for you
• is Self-obsessed
• Any emotional episode you mention will almost always produce a comparison to themselves
• She constantly brings herself into the conversation
• Refuses to discuss anything that does not relate directly to her or at the very least interests her
• Automatically expects you to share her interests and tastes
• She will make it perfectly clear to you that you have a part of your body that she really dislikes:

1. weight - you're usually too fat
2. height  - you're always too tall or too short
3. complexion
4. makeup
5. hair
6. clothes
7. friends
8. Above all, your significant other!

• She may be delusional in the way she thinks she is far more intelligent, talented, or beautiful than she really is
• It's her way or the highway
• Everyone walks on eggshells around her, afraid of an outburst or worse, a tantrum
• She expects you to drop everything to see her or speak to her on the telephone

If your mother exhibits several of these characteristics, she is bound to be a Narcissistic Mother.

If your Mother is Narcissistic, what should you do?

First of all, You have to understand and know that she will almost always be this way.

In general, they do not change. These women truly believe they are perfect and they believe that everyone agrees with her.

It is unlikely that she will admit that she had a problem, and if she does, medication will be of no use.

So, what should you do?

The key to dealing with a narcissistic mother is to limit the amount of time you spend with her.

1. If you live at home, do everything you can to leave. 
2. Limit telephone calls. If she is calling non-stop, do not feel guilty about this. The narcissistic mother relies on guilt and this is her favorite tactic to manipulate you. Never allow her to call you at work.

Some adult children of narcissistic mother opt for no contact at all. Should you choose to stay in touch, keep both telephone calls and visits to a minimum. If you don't, Be prepared to listen to her stories of how popular she was before, or listen to her talk behind your sister's back for the umpteenth time.

Narcissistic mothers view child rearing as an opportunity to experiment with the military concept of 'divide and conquer'.  She will usually have a favored child, who can do no wrong, and a victim, who is the proverbial scapegoat for all of her frustrations. This child may be abused emotionally. Any money spent on this child is spent with obvious reluctance. This child will be told to grateful for everything and never to complain. The narcissistic mother will usually become livid, but perhaps just seethe while telling you how ungrateful you are.

Seek Professional Help
The child of a narcissistic mother may find it unbearably painful to dredge up such memories and it is an excellent idea to seek professional help.

You may go through a period of mourning during therapy, due to the thoughts of having a mother who is not the ideal mother who cooks for you, helps you with your homework, and sews your costume.

The narcissistic mother could either be spoiled during her childhood days that she has never learned that the world does not revolve around her, or a child of at least one narcissistic parent.

Silently forgive your mother for not being the mother you needed.

You will have to do this more than once, but as you forgive, you release tension.

Avoid mentioning that she is narcissistic when dealing with her. 
She will almost certainly deny it. She will just get mad at you and you don't need that. It accomplishes absolutely nothing.

Keep your contacts as brief and infrequent as possible.
Establish boundaries. When speaking with her, speak as if you are speaking to a sulky child: "Let's have a conversation in which neither of us criticizes anyone or anything."

Since having a conversation under those circumstances is impossible for her, she will be the one to end the conversation quickly.

Don't waste time arguing.
If your mother insists that she is not critical, just change the subject. Remember, she knows everything. If she wants an argument, calmly tell her you will have to leave or hang up. I assure you that you will feel so much better afterwards.

Recovering from a lifetime with a narcissistic mother may be challenge, but ultimately, will be rewarding.

It is essential that you learn why your childhood was so unhappy, and you realize that it is not your fault.
You will not only improve your life but also lessen the chances of becoming a narcissistic parent yourself.

Narcissistic Mothers

The narcissistic mother is predictably unpredictable. She has neither insight nor compassion. She focuses solely on her needs, drives and desires. Her little daughter makes too many irritating demands. The narcissistic mother doesn’t want to be bothered with a child. Children are frustrating and require special attention. These mothers are focused completely on themselves. Their daughters are psychological irritants, time wasters that drag her down.

Narcissistic mothers are careless and recklessly unprotective of their daughters. From birth this daughter is abandoned by her mother. As a young infant she doesn’t receive the essential warmth and attachment to mother that she needs. Mother’s touch is cold and mechanical. Some narcissistic mothers hate their daughters and experience them as equal rivals. A baby is greeted with attention and joy in a healthy family. The narcissistic mother is often jealous of this tiny upstart who is getting all the attention from other family members. As soon as possible, this mother hands her daughter off to caregivers. She is not concerned about the quality of her child’s care as long as this daughter is taken off her hands. Narcissistic mothers know how to put on a clever act when necessary to convince people they are excellent mothers. When the curtain comes down and the spotlight dims, mother quickly re-hardens, returning to her self-absorbed coldness.

Many young adolescent girls are left to fend for themselves while the narcissistic mother leads a free and easy social, personal and sexual life. Daughters of narcissistic mothers are exposed to adult behaviors that are traumatic and inappropriate. There are narcissistic mothers who have a series of boyfriends moving in and out of the house. Many of these daughters have regularly witnessed their mothers in intimate sexual contact with boyfriends. This kind of psychological exposure is overwhelming to the young daughter and can cause serious psychological trauma.
These daughters are endangered by their narcissistic mother’s profligate, reckless lifestyle. It is not surprising that some of these young women are the victims of sexual abuse, including rape. Others become premature adults and if the narcissistic mother is an alcoholic or drug abuser, the daughter can be drawn into the use of these substances early in her life. In some instances daughters of narcissistic mothers are sexually abused or raped by one of the mother’s lovers. Narcissistic mothers are exceedingly jealous of their young attractive daughters and become rivals for male attention. In some instances the narcissistic mother encourages her daughter to become intimate with men who are much older than she.

The narcissistic mother here is using her daughter as a sexual narcissistic supply to men who are attracted to women less than half their age. This is serious abuse and criminal.

Emotional Challenges

1. Erase the useless hope that she'll change and become the mother you want.
2. Erase your blocks to taking care of your self-care, and other, needs.
3. Tap Affirmation to undo years of cruel brainwashing about your true authentic self.
4. Erase your urge to harm yourself and punish yourself.
5. Erase the guilt you feel at the thought of going No Contact or Low Contact.
6. Erase the hurt that she dropped you and let you go so easily.
7. Erase your fear of her - claim your power and see her for the pathetic bully she really is.
8. Erase the hurt that she never loved you, and come to a calm and serene acceptance of that fact.
9. Erase the grief and bereavement of the loss of your narcissistic mother and/or extended family, and come to a place of calm acceptance.
10. Erase the feeling of never fitting in or belonging anywhere. What you feel, you project, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Change that negative loop with this resource.
11. Erase the feeling of always feeling unworthy. She taught you that, and it's not true, and you need to relearn it.
12. Erase the feeling that there is something inherently flawed about you.
13. Erase the fear of getting into trouble.
14. Erase the feeling of always feeling like a little girl.
15. Erase the lack of Inner Authority.
16. Erase your low self-esteem.
17. Tap in Self-Love. You deserve to love yourself. This resource will help you do that.
18. Erase your blocks to accepting praise. Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers can be very uncomfortable accepting praise, and can even sabotage their successes to avoid it. This resource solves that problem.
19. Clear Your Childhood Trauma.
20. Free Yourself From Inner Confusion And Fear.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

We Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers have a lot of issues which come from having lived this cruel crazy-making lifestyle.

I think that living with a Narcissistic Mother is possibly one of the most horrendous abuses of children, because - depending where on the Narcissistic Spectrum our mother is located - it can be so subtle that we don't even realise we're being abused.

As one of the members of our forum wrote so eloquently:

As different as [all daughters of narcissistic mothers] are, as varied as our situations, ages, memories, degrees of suffering or desire to vent, the consequences of being raised by this kind of mentally ill mother are essentially universal.

It is an abnegation of the soul, and I'd argue that the damage it does is more insidious than most other forms of child abuse.

It is completely invisible to everyone, including the perpetrator (who literally cannot see what she is doing) and her victim (who knows only this). The harm it does is all pervasive; it is vicious, painfully unjust and mutilating.

(Reprinted with permission; bolding/italics mine)


I certainly didn't know this abuse was going on. When my sister more or less left home when she was 15, all-but living with a neighbour, and officially left home never to be seen again at age 17, all I could think was, "What's her problem?"

And it never occurred to me to wonder where my own depression, suicide attempt and constant suicide thoughts, and eating disorder, had come from.

We just internalise the stress, and think it's us that's wrong, and horrible, and maybe even crazy. This is assisted by the fact that our Narcissistic Mothers and Enabling Fathers tell us that we're crazy! Maybe not in as many words, but every time they gaslight us to tell us our memory and perceptions are mistaken, it's effectively saying we're crazy.

On my last conversation with my mother she told me patronisingly that I had a very good imagination - the inference being that I was totally imagining all of what I was saying.

Click here for the free "DONM Guidebook to Healing and Thriving"

And why not check out our vibrant and friendly
forum?



We maybe still think our mother loves us because she tells us she does, and we don't know any better to realise that normally love doesn't manifest in such sly put-downs, such undermining, such neglect. And of course our culture tells us, loud and clear and over and over, that our mother loves us, and that we need to love her. And because of this, our friends just don't - cannot - understand any of this, and that's lonely too.

And we believe we love her because, well, that's

what daughters do. And as normal loving girls we crave to love.

The heritage of being a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother just goes on and on - I've heard it described, bitterly, as the gift that keeps on giving.

We feel we cannot be our authentic true selves, even assuming we can figure out who that authentic self even is.

We suffer from low self-esteem, often to the level of self-loathing, and we struggle with self-care. We almost certainly cannot love ourselves, and all this is evidenced by our negative self-talk.

We may believe we have no right to exist, and almost certainly feel that we're never good enough, that we're not acceptable, that at some deep down level we're inherently flawed.

We either are forever self-sabotaging, or burdened with impossible perfectionism.

Although there is often euphoria when we make this discovery about NPD, as we realise we're not crazy, that can be quickly followed by anger, grief and bereavement, sadness, shame and guilt, and maybe even hatred.

We're weary of our successes being dismissed and our tragedies being used as drama-queen fodder.

We perhaps still always feel like a little girl, and we're probably scared to own, or access, our own power - and that keeps us feeling powerless too. We've had years of being told we're too sensitive, and possibly we are, now.
We have difficulty setting boundaries, whether that's with our family or with others.

We may well be overly fearful of authority figures, or people being angry with us.

We worry about whether we ourselves are narcissistic.

We may have body issues - either being overweight, or terrified of gaining weight.

We may find ourselves still experiencing huge fear of her, no matter how old we are or how assertive in other parts of our lives.

We may find that we're still trying - in vain, of course - to get her approval, or to get her attention.

We may want to severely limit our contact with her, or even to cut off all contact- but be worried and confused about that.

We no doubt have difficulties in forming relationships, or maybe we're attracted to unhealthy and abusive relationships. We have a constant fear of abandonment, and huge trust issues. We carry a constant feeling that the world isn't safe.

We also have massive issues around deserving. Deep down we may feel that we don't deserve good things, or good relationships, or even that we don't deserve to heal. We may also have beliefs around healing that healing means she gets away with it, for example, which block us, or the belief that being unhappy is a badge of proof that this happened.

A lot of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers also have huge difficulty saying nice things about themselves, or celebrating their own successes.

We no doubt have limiting beliefs. They vary from woman to woman but could be things like, It's not safe to be successful, or I have to be quiet and not cause any trouble.

The thing about these beliefs is that often they're so deep down that we don't even know they're there - but they're running, and often ruining, our lives. EFT is terrific for a) identifying and b) erasing these false and limiting beliefs.

We may feel the burden of keeping family secrets, and feel guilt and shame around those.

We are torn between cutting off all contact - but that's so big a decision - and having to deal with her on a regular basis.

We doubt our own abilities to be mothers in our turn.

Letter about a Narcissistic Mother

Dear Therapy Soup Reader,

A woman in recovery from PTSD found that learning about her mother’s belated diagnosis of Narcissistic and Histrionic Personality Disorders freed her from much of her life-long guilt and shame. We’re sharing some of her thoughts she wrote down for you (with a bit of our editing).

Have you had a bizarre history of an on-again, off-again relationship with your mother who makes it truly impossible for you to maintain any self-respect because she uses and maybe abuses you? Even if you’re the kind of person who believes that both people in relationships need to take responsibility, it really may not be your fault. See if any of my questions resonate with you.

Does your mother ask how you are (and barely listens to you) just to get your stuff out of the way so she can talk about herself?

Do you feel a strange disconnect from her/with her?

If you have a cold, does she have the flu? If you dented the car was she in a six car pileup? If you got promoted did she get an Emmy? If you’re having a baby, did she invent a cure for botulism?

Does your mother seem phony or overly dramatic?

Do people who’ve never seen the two of you together find her charming?

Does you mother try to get your friends, spouse, associates to collude with her against you? Do the people in your life now “get it” and don’t find her charming any more?

Does your mother give your friends, her friends, doctors, even strangers, inappropriately expensive gifts and give you her hand-me-downs?

If you reject something she does she have hysterics, crying about how cruel and thoughtless you are and how she tried do hard to do good?

Did your mother ignore you as a child to the point where she would “forget” to buy you clothes, pick you up from activities, or feed you?

Does she say really hurtful things to you that land just under the radar—viciously cruel (perhaps even evil), but virtually no one else but you understands that it these are intentional put-downs? Does she generally do this when there are no witnesses or when there are witnesses that are “on her side”? Does she sometimes do it in front of your friends or spouse in order to gauge their reaction and see if they’ll align with her?

Does your mother deny your memories of events, even denying physical abuse? Does she employ several tactics to invalidate your memories, including dismissal of the importance of the memory, denial that the event occurred, breaking into hysterics and histrionics that effectively shut down all rational discussion, etc?

Does she “set you up”, promising you the moon (her love, a vacation together, a gift, a joint therapy session, a new car), reel you in with the bait, and then say that you misinterpreted what she meant and that none of that was going to really happen?

Did your mother leave you in dangerous situations—outside in storms, at home alone with known abusers, locked in basements, etc., when you were a child?

Did your mother ever take you shopping as a child and ask you to pick out your favorite stuffed animal or toy, then buy it, wrap it up with bows, and give it to the neighbor’s kid, watching closely to see (and enjoy) your pained surprise?

Does your mother almost always lie, even when it would be in her best interests or simply easier to tell the truth?

Does your mother usually forget your birthday or send you a wildly inappropriate and unwanted gift?

Did your mother ever move and not tell you her address for a while, a week, a month, years?

Did your mother indulge her every whim and fantasy, having the house feng shuied, getting in-home massages, buying expensive antiques, jetting to Europe to get her hair cut, but felt it it unnecessary to buy you clothes, shoes, books, toys or other basic things a child usually gets?

Is everything always about her?

Does she blame everyone else for anything and everything and never, ever takes responsibility for the emotional (and sometimes physical) wreckage she leaves in her tracks?

Did your mother ever try to get you kicked out of college, a job, a group? Did your mother ever get you fired from a job?

Did your mother ever come to your elementary/middle/high school/college/performance and laugh at you or pretend she didn’t know you? Did she tell other performers (and their parents) how wonderful their performance was, but say nothing about your performance or talk about you dismissively?

Did you ever run into your mother’s arms as a toddler, only to be pushed away in disgust?

Do therapists not believe you, until you show them letters and emails from from your mother or they get the chance to meet her?

Did your mother triangulate the family, demanding that her parents, your aunt, your cousins not have contact with you because it “upset” her? Did she do the same with your siblings? Does she create a web of lies and manipulate circumstances to keep people separate so they don’t figure out what’s going on?

Did your mother shower “love” and overwhelming attention on one sibling and turn the others into the scapegoat?

If your answers are “yes, repeatedly” to more than a couple of these questions, your mother might have narcissistic personality disorder and/or histrionic personality disorder ( she also may be struggling with some painful traits of borderline personality disorder or have traits of sadistic personality disorder* or maybe even anti-social personality disorder or a combination of these).

You may feel blind with rage and at other times that life just isn’t worth living. In some cases fathers can be enablers or were abusers, too. It can be hard because sometimes people who hear a story like this, even therapists, and they either don’t believe it or think you are exaggerating.

When you have a mother (or father or other caregiver) like this, your sense of reality is never really sure. That’s why I call it a game. And it is a game to someone with Narcissistic or Histrionic PD. The game is “Me Against the World”. The goal is to get everyone to watch me, need me, focus on me, be kept off-balance by me, be controlled by me, be destroyed by me.

In a way, mother is like a black-hole, empty as eternity. She is also a vacuum (yes, nature abhors a vacuum and mother’s constantly trying to be filled). But I also pity her—more than that, actually. I feel such sorrow for her suffering, because I believe she must be suffering. And I see glimmers of hope. Sometimes, I sense a pause in her emptiness as if her soul is trying to infiltrate the emptiness. Sometimes I sense genuineness. These moments are precious to me and I try to encourage them now that I am strong enough to not feel the arrows she slings at me.



What really helped the daughter, above, on her healing journey was information and meeting others who’d been through what she had been through:

About NPD here at PsychCentral

About HPD here at PsychCentral

About Personality Disorders here at PsychCentral

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers which has information, validating checklists, forums and chat rooms for daughters of narcissistic mothers only.

A brief video about how parents with NPD often divorce, and how their children can be victims of abuse, parental alienation syndrome, and suffer from mental illness and/or addiction, co-dependency and personality disorders including NPD, HPD, BPD, and other problems.

We love these brief YouTube videos by Toronto therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish. She really addresses so many of the problems that people with parents who have PDs face, including co-dependency and parental alienation syndrome.

Note: Yes, of course a father could also have one or more personality disorders. Some personality disorders are more prevalent in males, some in females but in no way is this post aligning with bias or prejudice. Please remember that we are sharing a specific person’s story at her request and we did not choose the sex of the people involved.

*The diagnosis of sadistic personality disorder is no longer in the DSM and the upcoming DSM is apparently going to eliminate more personality disorders. However, the umbrella “personality disorder not defined” might still be used when multiple traits from more than one personality disorder are found.