My Mom, the Narcissist: The Ramifications of Being Raised by a Narcissist
Narcissus was a handsome young man in Greek mythology whose self-love angered the gods. He was doomed to a life of staring at his own reflection in the water. He was so enamored with his reflection that he sat there and stared until he eventually died where he sat. The term narcissism was born from this myth and, according to dictionary.com, refers to "an exceptional interest in and admiration for yourself; "self-love that shut out everyone else."
But what happens when your mother is a narcissist? My mom will tell anyone who will listen that she never felt like she belonged growing up. She was the youngest of six children and was much younger than her youngest sibling. Her parents were, therefore, older and not able to be involved in many activities with her growing up. She claims that her personality is so different from the rest of her family that she often wondered if she were adopted or if there was some hanky panky going on the with mailman somewhere along the line. True or not, she believes it. And, I believe, this is what shaped her narcissistic personality. She grew into a woman who cannot see beyond her own needs to empathize or even see the needs of others. She functions from a truly self-based perspective.
Here is an example. There was a couple who were best friends with my parents when I was growing up. They had a young son who had epilepsy and some severe developmental and anger issues. At one point, my mom told them that she believed he had serious issues and needed professional help. Was she trying to be helpful? I don't believe so. She came to a point where she didn't want to spend time around them because the son made her uncomfortable. Thus, she offered her opinion. They were somewhat offended, especially the husband, and she says the friendship deteriorated. Years later the husband, who was the local fire chief, was killed in a freak accident where he was run over by a runaway fire truck. When I heard the news and called home, my mother said, "I just keep thinking that if we had stayed close, this would never have happened." Now, maybe that seems an innocent enough comment, but in the context of the rest of the conversation it was obvious she truly believed if she had not alienated him years before, he would not have been killed.
I don't know that my mom would be diagnosed with full-blown narcissistic personality disorder as the issue has never been explored but, as differentiated by an article on CNN.com, she would certainly be classified as having a narcissistic personality style. Growing up in my family, it was very obvious whose needs and opinions were valued, and you had better believe they weren't those of any of the rest of the family members. My dad catered to her every whim or paid the consequences. I knew that if I went to her with a problem, she would turn it around to be about her or her problems. I went through a difficult time in high school. I suffered from issues related to self-worth and that manifested in some very unhealthy behaviors. I drank frequently and was promiscuous. I once applied for a job and was rejected. The job was at the soda counter of a local drug store in the small town where we lived. It so happened that one of the ladies working in the store had gone to high school with my mother. When I was turned down for the job, she told my mom that it was because I had a bad reputation. Mom was not concerned about the destructive behavior I was exhibiting. Most mothers would have discussed the behavior with me; maybe they would have sent me to counseling to get some help. Not my mom. She gave me the lecture of a lifetime about how my behavior made her look to the people of our town. What I was going through was unimportant and was never discussed in any context other than how it affected her. Counseling was never suggested. Concern for my safety and well being was never even mentioned.
That feeling of not being important was the cornerstone of my life for many years. It manifested in that promiscuity, in teenage drinking, and in getting pregnant while unmarried at a young age. It has only been in recent years through counseling that I have learned that the defect is in my mom and not in me. It has taken years, but I have finally overcome the issues of self-worth and learned to live life happy and healthy without the destructive behaviors.
Is my mom still narcissistic? Absolutely! The difference is that I know now that I can't change that. I can only change how I react to her and her narcissistic personality.
Is there a narcissist in your life? Here are two suggestions for dealing with a narcissistic personality. First of all, realize that unless the person involved seeks professional help there is little you can do. Learn to control your reactions to them and realize that, if you find yourself in a situation where you need support or validation, you will need to find it somewhere else. Since the narcissist is incapable of empathy and cannot see outside of themselves, they will be unable to help you.
Secondly, it is extremely important to understand that the defect is not in you! If you are involved with a narcissist whether it is a parent, mate, or even child, you may need to seek professional help of your own to live a healthy life. Don't let the actions of a narcissist affect your life in an unhealthy manner.
