The narcissistic mother is predictably unpredictable. She has neither insight nor compassion. She focuses solely on her needs, drives and desires. Her little daughter makes too many irritating demands. The narcissistic mother doesn’t want to be bothered with a child. Children are frustrating and require special attention. These mothers are focused completely on themselves. Their daughters are psychological irritants, time wasters that drag her down.
Narcissistic mothers are careless and recklessly unprotective of their daughters. From birth this daughter is abandoned by her mother. As a young infant she doesn’t receive the essential warmth and attachment to mother that she needs. Mother’s touch is cold and mechanical. Some narcissistic mothers hate their daughters and experience them as equal rivals. A baby is greeted with attention and joy in a healthy family. The narcissistic mother is often jealous of this tiny upstart who is getting all the attention from other family members. As soon as possible, this mother hands her daughter off to caregivers. She is not concerned about the quality of her child’s care as long as this daughter is taken off her hands. Narcissistic mothers know how to put on a clever act when necessary to convince people they are excellent mothers. When the curtain comes down and the spotlight dims, mother quickly re-hardens, returning to her self-absorbed coldness.
Many young adolescent girls are left to fend for themselves while the narcissistic mother leads a free and easy social, personal and sexual life. Daughters of narcissistic mothers are exposed to adult behaviors that are traumatic and inappropriate. There are narcissistic mothers who have a series of boyfriends moving in and out of the house. Many of these daughters have regularly witnessed their mothers in intimate sexual contact with boyfriends. This kind of psychological exposure is overwhelming to the young daughter and can cause serious psychological trauma.
These daughters are endangered by their narcissistic mother’s profligate, reckless lifestyle. It is not surprising that some of these young women are the victims of sexual abuse, including rape. Others become premature adults and if the narcissistic mother is an alcoholic or drug abuser, the daughter can be drawn into the use of these substances early in her life. In some instances daughters of narcissistic mothers are sexually abused or raped by one of the mother’s lovers. Narcissistic mothers are exceedingly jealous of their young attractive daughters and become rivals for male attention. In some instances the narcissistic mother encourages her daughter to become intimate with men who are much older than she.
The narcissistic mother here is using her daughter as a sexual narcissistic supply to men who are attracted to women less than half their age. This is serious abuse and criminal.
Narcissistic Mothers
There is a special place in hell for narcissistic mothers. Ms. Plath herself indulged in the ultimate narcissistic act when she committed suicide by sticking her head in the oven while her two young children were asleep in the same apartment. How thoughtful of her to have sealed off their rooms with towels so that the fumes wouldn’t consume them too. She needed someone to live on to remember her and care that she was gone.
Narcissistic mothers do not have children for the same reasons the rest of us do. They do not look forward to the birth of their child because they can’t wait to see what they look like or what type of personality they will have or who they will become. No, they have children for one reason only: More mirrors. They have children so that the children will love them unconditionally, not the other way around. They have children to do things for them. They have children to reflect their false images. They have children to use, abuse and control them.
They don’t see their role as a mother as life’s biggest gift. It’s a burden they didn’t expect. They thought they were creating little “mini-me’s.” They didn’t take into account the fact that somewhere around age 2, these spiteful, ungrateful (in their minds) little creatures start to develop their own individual personalities and wills of their own. For the rest of us, that’s the best part of being a mom — watching our children grow into increasingly independent, confident, free-thinking individuals. For the narcissistic mother, each step away from her is an absolute act of betrayal.
Children have emotions that they express quite freely. This annoying practice is squashed as early as possible since narcissists cannot handle emotions. “What is wrong with you?” and “You’re so oversensitive” and “You’re overreacting” are common phrases uttered to children of narcissists.
These mothers end up resenting all the work that goes into raising a child, having no use for them unless they are achieving, doing something or otherwise reflecting their false image onto them. Children are a nuisance to them, taking precious time away from their own agendas. They don’t like to have to shop for clothes for their children, prepare meals for them, do their laundry, pay for daycare, enroll them in activities, drive them to friends’ houses, throw birthday parties, pay for their college educations or protect them from abuse.
They will smother and overprotect their children under the guise that they are taking care of them. They will fail to provide age-appropriate information on such things as menstruation, personal grooming (make-up, hairstyles, shaving, etc.), budgeting money and dating. This all serves to keep her children under her control as long as possible. If they are ill-informed and overprotected, they will not feel confident to grow or move further away from her.
They will use their children as slaves. They will delegate all household chores to the children as early as possible. They will insist that they pay for their own personal items and clothing as early as possible. Older children will become responsible for younger children. No matter how many of her responsibilities her children take on, it will never be enough or be done well enough. They expect perfection and constantly remind their children that they fail to meet this expectation.
Of course, they train their children to believe that they are the ideal mother. Any evidence to the contrary is to be kept secret at all costs. They will behave much differently toward their children in public than they do at home. They will vehemently deny any wrongdoing on their part and most likely blame their children, completely rewriting history.
Narcissistic mothers don’t stop being narcissists when their children become adults. They will play siblings against each other. They will compare siblings. They will talk to siblings about each other. When they have a problem with one, they will talk to another about it.
They are jealous of their children’s successes, even though they brag to others about them (‘see how great MY kids turned out’). They will make snide comments if they think one of their adult children has a better marriage, house, job, etc. than they do. They are thrilled when they perceive that one of their adult children has failed in some way (although they never tell others about these “failures”; it reflects poorly on them). They are more than happy to assist when necessary because that makes them look good, plus, there is an added bonus of having favors to collect on. Asking a narcissistic mother for a favor feels like selling your soul to the devil. It’s emotional extortion.
These mothers steal their kids’ childhoods, identities and future healthy relationships. They will keep on taking and sucking the life out of their children for as long as they live, if their children allow it. It is incredibly difficult and painful to acknowledge that your mother never loved you without blaming yourself — she raised you to blame yourself for everything. But it is necessary to put the blame where it rightfully belongs in order to insure that this insidious disorder isn’t perpetuated generation after generation.
Narcissistic mothers do not have children for the same reasons the rest of us do. They do not look forward to the birth of their child because they can’t wait to see what they look like or what type of personality they will have or who they will become. No, they have children for one reason only: More mirrors. They have children so that the children will love them unconditionally, not the other way around. They have children to do things for them. They have children to reflect their false images. They have children to use, abuse and control them.
They don’t see their role as a mother as life’s biggest gift. It’s a burden they didn’t expect. They thought they were creating little “mini-me’s.” They didn’t take into account the fact that somewhere around age 2, these spiteful, ungrateful (in their minds) little creatures start to develop their own individual personalities and wills of their own. For the rest of us, that’s the best part of being a mom — watching our children grow into increasingly independent, confident, free-thinking individuals. For the narcissistic mother, each step away from her is an absolute act of betrayal.
Children have emotions that they express quite freely. This annoying practice is squashed as early as possible since narcissists cannot handle emotions. “What is wrong with you?” and “You’re so oversensitive” and “You’re overreacting” are common phrases uttered to children of narcissists.
These mothers end up resenting all the work that goes into raising a child, having no use for them unless they are achieving, doing something or otherwise reflecting their false image onto them. Children are a nuisance to them, taking precious time away from their own agendas. They don’t like to have to shop for clothes for their children, prepare meals for them, do their laundry, pay for daycare, enroll them in activities, drive them to friends’ houses, throw birthday parties, pay for their college educations or protect them from abuse.
They will smother and overprotect their children under the guise that they are taking care of them. They will fail to provide age-appropriate information on such things as menstruation, personal grooming (make-up, hairstyles, shaving, etc.), budgeting money and dating. This all serves to keep her children under her control as long as possible. If they are ill-informed and overprotected, they will not feel confident to grow or move further away from her.
They will use their children as slaves. They will delegate all household chores to the children as early as possible. They will insist that they pay for their own personal items and clothing as early as possible. Older children will become responsible for younger children. No matter how many of her responsibilities her children take on, it will never be enough or be done well enough. They expect perfection and constantly remind their children that they fail to meet this expectation.
Of course, they train their children to believe that they are the ideal mother. Any evidence to the contrary is to be kept secret at all costs. They will behave much differently toward their children in public than they do at home. They will vehemently deny any wrongdoing on their part and most likely blame their children, completely rewriting history.
Narcissistic mothers don’t stop being narcissists when their children become adults. They will play siblings against each other. They will compare siblings. They will talk to siblings about each other. When they have a problem with one, they will talk to another about it.
They are jealous of their children’s successes, even though they brag to others about them (‘see how great MY kids turned out’). They will make snide comments if they think one of their adult children has a better marriage, house, job, etc. than they do. They are thrilled when they perceive that one of their adult children has failed in some way (although they never tell others about these “failures”; it reflects poorly on them). They are more than happy to assist when necessary because that makes them look good, plus, there is an added bonus of having favors to collect on. Asking a narcissistic mother for a favor feels like selling your soul to the devil. It’s emotional extortion.
These mothers steal their kids’ childhoods, identities and future healthy relationships. They will keep on taking and sucking the life out of their children for as long as they live, if their children allow it. It is incredibly difficult and painful to acknowledge that your mother never loved you without blaming yourself — she raised you to blame yourself for everything. But it is necessary to put the blame where it rightfully belongs in order to insure that this insidious disorder isn’t perpetuated generation after generation.
Getting Over a Narcissistic Mother
Getting Over a Narcissistic Mother
How to get over your narcissistic mom.
We tend to throw around the descriptor "narcissist" when we really mean "selfish," but the term can properly refer to someone who consistently exhibits narcissistic traits as well as to someone with a full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The APA estimates that 1.5 million American women are "official" narcissists, meaning millions more can be found on the lower end of that personality spectrum.
What are the hallmarks of maternal narcissism?
An inability to give love to, and show empathy toward, the child.
How would you describe the typical husband of such a mother?
The spouse has to revolve around her, often, in order to stay in the relationship. He may practically worship her. That means he may never help or protect the child who is being ignored. Some fathers I've talked to realize the damage being done to their child, but feel that they can't do anything about it. Others seem to not be aware.
You found two typical patterns of behavior in daughters of narcissistic mothers.
Yes. There's the high achieving daughter—I call her Mary Marvel—who appears to be perfect in all she does. One of the main messages that gets internalized when your mother is narcissistic is, "You are valued for what you do and not for who you are." So Mary Marvel is constantly trying to prove to herself that she does have worth, by mastering different endeavors.
The other kind of daughter is a rebel. She's an under-achiever who self-sabotages. She may end up on welfare or addicted to drugs or alcohol. It's interesting, the two types look very different on the outside, but their internal landscape is similar. The self-saboteur also thinks she's not good enough, but has given up on disproving it.
What determines which way a daughter goes?
I was really interested in this question, especially since my sister and I fit this pattern— where I'm the "Mary Marvel." It's not entirely clear, but it seems that in the case of the over-achiever, she had someone in her life—maybe a grandmother—who gave her unconditional love.
What typically happens to these daughters in their own romantic relationships?
These daughters learn a distorted view of love. They learn that love is about "what I can do for you and what you can do for me." They may be overly dependent on their partners, or choose people who are entirely dependent on them. A healthy relationship, meanwhile, is based on the back and forth of interdependency.
How can an adult daughter "recover" from narcissistic mothering?
In the book I outline a 5-step program. The first part is accepting that you had a mother that didn't love you. This is very hard for some women to acknowledge, especially because daughters in these families were not taught to deal with their feelings.
Then the daughter must separate psychologically from her mother. Part of that is tapping into who she is and figuring out who she wants to be. It's also important to end the legacy, to prevent the next generation from suffering in the same way.
How can these women avoid becoming just like their mothers, then?
It's really about internal changes, and changing how they interact with other people.
You can learn how to be empathetic with your children. That doesn't mean loving "my kid the ballerina" or "my kid the soccer player," but really tuning into who your children are as people. And it's not about praising them just to praise them. That leads children to feel entitled, which is a narcissistic trait.
If these women treat their mothers differently, will the mothers react differently?
If a daughter starts setting boundaries in the beginning of this process, the mother's bad behavior may in fact escalate. That's why I often recommend a temporary separation.
The mothers may not change. I wouldn't want to give daughters hope that they will. But once a daughter understands her mother's narcissism, her own anger and resentment will fade. She can approach her mother in a loving way, and not as a victim.
It's really about accepting your mother's limitations. One of the women on my online forum described her old mentality toward her mother as something like this, "It's like my mom is colorblind, and I keep asking her to appreciate a rainbow."
How to get over your narcissistic mom.
We tend to throw around the descriptor "narcissist" when we really mean "selfish," but the term can properly refer to someone who consistently exhibits narcissistic traits as well as to someone with a full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The APA estimates that 1.5 million American women are "official" narcissists, meaning millions more can be found on the lower end of that personality spectrum.
What are the hallmarks of maternal narcissism?
An inability to give love to, and show empathy toward, the child.
How would you describe the typical husband of such a mother?
The spouse has to revolve around her, often, in order to stay in the relationship. He may practically worship her. That means he may never help or protect the child who is being ignored. Some fathers I've talked to realize the damage being done to their child, but feel that they can't do anything about it. Others seem to not be aware.
You found two typical patterns of behavior in daughters of narcissistic mothers.
Yes. There's the high achieving daughter—I call her Mary Marvel—who appears to be perfect in all she does. One of the main messages that gets internalized when your mother is narcissistic is, "You are valued for what you do and not for who you are." So Mary Marvel is constantly trying to prove to herself that she does have worth, by mastering different endeavors.
The other kind of daughter is a rebel. She's an under-achiever who self-sabotages. She may end up on welfare or addicted to drugs or alcohol. It's interesting, the two types look very different on the outside, but their internal landscape is similar. The self-saboteur also thinks she's not good enough, but has given up on disproving it.
What determines which way a daughter goes?
I was really interested in this question, especially since my sister and I fit this pattern— where I'm the "Mary Marvel." It's not entirely clear, but it seems that in the case of the over-achiever, she had someone in her life—maybe a grandmother—who gave her unconditional love.
What typically happens to these daughters in their own romantic relationships?
These daughters learn a distorted view of love. They learn that love is about "what I can do for you and what you can do for me." They may be overly dependent on their partners, or choose people who are entirely dependent on them. A healthy relationship, meanwhile, is based on the back and forth of interdependency.
How can an adult daughter "recover" from narcissistic mothering?
In the book I outline a 5-step program. The first part is accepting that you had a mother that didn't love you. This is very hard for some women to acknowledge, especially because daughters in these families were not taught to deal with their feelings.
Then the daughter must separate psychologically from her mother. Part of that is tapping into who she is and figuring out who she wants to be. It's also important to end the legacy, to prevent the next generation from suffering in the same way.
How can these women avoid becoming just like their mothers, then?
It's really about internal changes, and changing how they interact with other people.
You can learn how to be empathetic with your children. That doesn't mean loving "my kid the ballerina" or "my kid the soccer player," but really tuning into who your children are as people. And it's not about praising them just to praise them. That leads children to feel entitled, which is a narcissistic trait.
If these women treat their mothers differently, will the mothers react differently?
If a daughter starts setting boundaries in the beginning of this process, the mother's bad behavior may in fact escalate. That's why I often recommend a temporary separation.
The mothers may not change. I wouldn't want to give daughters hope that they will. But once a daughter understands her mother's narcissism, her own anger and resentment will fade. She can approach her mother in a loving way, and not as a victim.
It's really about accepting your mother's limitations. One of the women on my online forum described her old mentality toward her mother as something like this, "It's like my mom is colorblind, and I keep asking her to appreciate a rainbow."
Narcissistic Mother-English Dictionary
Narcissistic Mother-English Dictionary
This is the result of a bit of fun we had on our forum. But it's all very real under the humour. It's all classic gaslighting and invalidation.
WHAT SHE SAYS and WHAT IT MEANS
I love you.
Don't ever feel like you HAVE to come see me for my birthday.
Go do something constructive.
You go have yourself a good cry!
I never said that!
You just aren't remembering correctly. My version of events shows me in a better light, so that's the official one.
It's time this stops.
I miss you.
Who have you been talking to, in therapy with, what book did you read, etc, etc, etc....
Your brother and sister-in-law took us out to dinner last night. We had such a nice time - I don't think we have ever been treated that well.
I'm so proud of you.
Why are you wasting your time on something so silly and that takes you away from your family?
Your father and I think ...
So how are you?
I'm so sorry your beloved 14-year old dog died. Sigh ...
It's so sad!
I'm sorry.
I'm thinking of you.
Let’s just let go of the past. Let’s pretend everything is ok and I’m not a nightmare of a mother so I can continue to torture you and get my Narcissistic Supply.
Your sister-in-law is such a great cook! Simply amazing!
I just want you to love me.
What’s wrong with you today? What is your problem?
I was only trying to help!
What happened to the nice girl I once knew?
After all I’ve done for you! You’ve never appreciated me!” wah wah wah
Why are you treating me so badly? What have I done wrong?
Because I’m your mommy!
I want to give you this or that because I love you.
I want to help you with your kids.
You were very difficult to raise./You were always my problem child.
I never want to be a burden to you.
Have you lost some weight?
You take me the wrong way.
You're such a good cook.
You're such a good mother.
You don't respect me!
You won't let me abuse you!
I have to walk on eggshells around you./You're over-sensitive.
You won't forgive me!
You need more time to think about it./Well have a think about it and get back to me.
I was just joking even if I did say and do that, which I didn't.
You just won't admit when you're wrong.
Medical emergency
Disaster Phone
This is the result of a bit of fun we had on our forum. But it's all very real under the humour. It's all classic gaslighting and invalidation.
WHAT SHE SAYS and WHAT IT MEANS
I love you.
- I want to manipulate you.
- You're showing signs of breaking away and I want to suck you back in.
- I've heard people say this and it seems to get a good reaction.
- I command you to love me.
Don't ever feel like you HAVE to come see me for my birthday.
- If you don't make the 650 mile pilgrimage to celebrate me, I promise I will do something to make you pay dearly.
Go do something constructive.
- Be gone, I have no interest in my own children.
You were an "accident".
- You are only here because homicide would get me jail time, and I thought you'd be a better slave, so I didn't opt for adoption.
You go have yourself a good cry!
- I resent your emotions, but at least I can use them to hurt you.
I never said that!
- Damned if I'm going to admit it.
- Yes I said that but it doesn't work in the conversation right now.
- I know I said it but it’s so much fun to f*** with your head until you don’t know what is true and you think you really are crazy! Yeah me!!!
- I am running low on my Narcissistic Supply and need another fix.
- Damned if I'm going to admit to it.
You just aren't remembering correctly. My version of events shows me in a better light, so that's the official one.
- You never do anything for me! I know you've done a lot for me in the past, but that was then and it no longer counts. What have you done for me today?
It's time this stops.
- None of my ploys have worked to pull you back so now I will treat you like a child.
I miss you.
- I miss having control over you.
- I'm lacking my Narcissistic Supply - please provide it pronto.
Who have you been talking to, in therapy with, what book did you read, etc, etc, etc....
- I'm not getting the usual emotional response from you and you are too dim-witted to have figured out how to shut me down on your own.
Your brother and sister-in-law took us out to dinner last night. We had such a nice time - I don't think we have ever been treated that well.
- You had better step up your game and show some appreciation for all I've done for you.
I'm so proud of you.
- You have made me feel good and/or *I* feel good because of you.
- I can take credit for that accomplishment.
Why are you wasting your time on something so silly and that takes you away from your family?
- Why are you wasting your time on something so silly and that takes you away from me?
Your father and I think ...
- I think ...
So how are you?
- I'd better ask, but don't worry I won't really be listening. Or as soon as you say a trigger word, which reminds me of something else, I'll interrupt and be off again!
- I'm running out of things to boast to my friends about, so please come up with some accomplishments.
I'm so sorry your beloved 14-year old dog died. Sigh ...
- I'd better at least mention it and then I can talk about myself again.
It's so sad!
- It's so exciting! I love being this close to tragedies! The drama!
I'm sorry.
- I will say the words but never change my behaviour.
- I'll say anything to shut you up, but don't worry, I don't mean it.
I'm thinking of you.
- I will continue to ignore your boundaries.
Let’s just let go of the past. Let’s pretend everything is ok and I’m not a nightmare of a mother so I can continue to torture you and get my Narcissistic Supply.
Your sister-in-law is such a great cook! Simply amazing!
- I want to take away any pleasure or pride you have in your own cooking skills.
I just want you to love me.
- All I really want is for you give me my Narcissistic Supply.
What’s wrong with you today? What is your problem?
- I’m pissed that you are denying me my much needed Narcissistic Supply. Damn you!
I was only trying to help!
- I demand the freedom to interfere in your life any time I want. That is my right!
What happened to the nice girl I once knew?
- Why are you no longer the easily manipulated and uncomplaining-of-abuse girl I raised you to be?
After all I’ve done for you! You’ve never appreciated me!” wah wah wah
- I have violated your boundaries most of your life and I resent the hell out of your standing your ground and refusing to allow me to interfere, manipulate and control you.
Why are you treating me so badly? What have I done wrong?
- I have the right to interfere in your life and abuse you without any consequences.
Because I’m your mommy!
- You are really just a child, after all. I’ll never acknowledge that you are now an adult.
I want to give you this or that because I love you.
- It’s really because you will then be beholden to me and this gives me great leverage to milk you for Narcissistic Supply.
I want to help you with your kids.
- I plan to interfere in the upbringing of your children by spoiling them, disciplining them differently to your way, and ignoring your decisions and wishes regarding them. I will not acknowledge your position and rights as the mother of these children.
You were very difficult to raise./You were always my problem child.
- You resisted my attempts to violate your boundaries, abuse you and humiliate you.
I never want to be a burden to you.
- I will over-run your life and suck the life force from you and your children.
Have you lost some weight?
- I am so glad that I brought that sticky bun with me on this visit.
You take me the wrong way.
- I will invalidate your feelings as I have done your whole life.
You're such a good cook.
- You got that from me!
You're such a good mother.
- You got that from me!
You don't respect me!
You won't let me abuse you!
I have to walk on eggshells around you./You're over-sensitive.
- You won't take my abuse uncomplainingly.
You won't forgive me!
- You won't allow me to allow me to trample all over you even though I have expressed no repentance and will continue to act exactly as I always have.
You need more time to think about it./Well have a think about it and get back to me.
- I am not accepting your decision/opinion.
I was just joking even if I did say and do that, which I didn't.
- I did say/do it, and I did mean it, but damned if I'm going to acknowledge that.
You just won't admit when you're wrong.
- You defended yourself from my lies!
Medical emergency
- Broken finger nail
Disaster Phone
- bill arrives
- Visitor cancelled
Emotional Challenges
- Erase the useless hope that she'll change and become the mother you want.
- Erase your blocks to taking care of your self-care, and other, needs.
- Tap Affirmation to undo years of cruel brainwashing about your true authentic self.
- Erase your urge to harm yourself and punish yourself.
- Erase the guilt you feel at the thought of going No Contact or Low Contact.
- Erase the hurt that she dropped you and let you go so easily.
- Erase your fear of her - claim your power and see her for the pathetic bully she really is.
- Erase the hurt that she never loved you, and come to a calm and serene acceptance of that fact.
- Erase the grief and bereavement of the loss of your narcissistic mother and/or extended family, and come to a place of calm acceptance.
- Erase the feeling of never fitting in or belonging anywhere. What you feel, you project, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Change that negative loop with this resource.
- Erase the feeling of always feeling unworthy. She taught you that, and it's not true, and you need to relearn it.
- Erase the feeling that there is something inherently flawed about you.
- Erase the fear of getting into trouble.
- Erase the feeling of always feeling like a little girl.
- Erase the lack of Inner Authority.
- Erase your low self-esteem.
- Tap in Self-Love. You deserve to love yourself. This resource will help you do that.
- Erase your blocks to accepting praise. Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers can be very uncomfortable accepting praise, and can even sabotage their successes to avoid it. This resource solves that problem.
- Clear Your Childhood Trauma.
- Free Yourself From Inner Confusion And Fear.
Recovery
I spent years looking for recovery resources - indeed, I was doing this long before I knew about NPD. I thought I needed fixing, because that's what my narcissistic mother effectively told me. Now I know it's recovery I need, not fixing (and the same applies to you too). But the principle is the same - it's about getting over the old tapes and programming and living our best life.
I found terrific resources, and since setting up this website I have researched and reviewed still more recovery resources. And I have created some too, specifically to meet the needs of DONMs.
One of the most amazing resources I've found is that of EFT. EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique, and involves nothing more than gentle tapping on acupuncture points. This seemingly simple technique is awesome for removing trauma and limiting beliefs. And so, many of these Recovery Journey resources are based around EFT. (You can find out more about EFT here. And read testimonials about it here.)
The most powerful thing about these EFT resources is that they cause changes at a very deep level. They don't work on the rational cognitive level because that's no use to you; they work at the deep core level where the bad feelings and limiting beliefs live. So, for example, you can know rationally that she'll never change, but you need to come to know it in your very core before it is true for you. EFT does that for you.
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
We Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers have a lot of issues which come from having lived this cruel crazy-making lifestyle.
I think that living with a Narcissistic Mother is possibly one of the most horrendous abuses of children, because - depending where on the Narcissistic Spectrum our mother is located - it can be so subtle that we don't even realise we're being abused.
As one of the members of our forum wrote so eloquently:
As different as [all daughters of narcissistic mothers] are, as varied as our situations, ages, memories, degrees of suffering or desire to vent, the consequences of being raised by this kind of mentally ill mother are essentially universal.
It is an abnegation of the soul, and I'd argue that the damage it does is more insidious than most other forms of child abuse.
It is completely invisible to everyone, including the perpetrator (who literally cannot see what she is doing) and her victim (who knows only this). The harm it does is all pervasive; it is vicious, painfully unjust and mutilating.
(Reprinted with permission; bolding/italics mine)
I certainly didn't know this abuse was going on. When my sister more or less left home when she was 15, all-but living with a neighbour, and officially left home never to be seen again at age 17, all I could think was, "What's her problem?"
And it never occurred to me to wonder where my own depression, suicide attempt and constant suicide thoughts, and eating disorder, had come from.
We just internalise the stress, and think it's us that's wrong, and horrible, and maybe even crazy. This is assisted by the fact that our Narcissistic Mothers and Enabling Fathers tell us that we're crazy! Maybe not in as many words, but every time they gaslight us to tell us our memory and perceptions are mistaken, it's effectively saying we're crazy.
On my last conversation with my mother she told me patronisingly that I had a very good imagination - the inference being that I was totally imagining all of what I was saying.
Click here for the free "DONM Guidebook to Healing and Thriving"
And why not check out our vibrant and friendly
forum?
We maybe still think our mother loves us because she tells us she does, and we don't know any better to realise that normally love doesn't manifest in such sly put-downs, such undermining, such neglect. And of course our culture tells us, loud and clear and over and over, that our mother loves us, and that we need to love her. And because of this, our friends just don't - cannot - understand any of this, and that's lonely too.
And we believe we love her because, well, that's
what daughters do. And as normal loving girls we crave to love.
The heritage of being a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother just goes on and on - I've heard it described, bitterly, as the gift that keeps on giving.
We feel we cannot be our authentic true selves, even assuming we can figure out who that authentic self even is.
We suffer from low self-esteem, often to the level of self-loathing, and we struggle with self-care. We almost certainly cannot love ourselves, and all this is evidenced by our negative self-talk.
We may believe we have no right to exist, and almost certainly feel that we're never good enough, that we're not acceptable, that at some deep down level we're inherently flawed.
We either are forever self-sabotaging, or burdened with impossible perfectionism.
Although there is often euphoria when we make this discovery about NPD, as we realise we're not crazy, that can be quickly followed by anger, grief and bereavement, sadness, shame and guilt, and maybe even hatred.
We're weary of our successes being dismissed and our tragedies being used as drama-queen fodder.
We perhaps still always feel like a little girl, and we're probably scared to own, or access, our own power - and that keeps us feeling powerless too. We've had years of being told we're too sensitive, and possibly we are, now.
We have difficulty setting boundaries, whether that's with our family or with others.
We may well be overly fearful of authority figures, or people being angry with us.
We worry about whether we ourselves are narcissistic.
We may have body issues - either being overweight, or terrified of gaining weight.
We may find ourselves still experiencing huge fear of her, no matter how old we are or how assertive in other parts of our lives.
We may find that we're still trying - in vain, of course - to get her approval, or to get her attention.
We may want to severely limit our contact with her, or even to cut off all contact- but be worried and confused about that.
We no doubt have difficulties in forming relationships, or maybe we're attracted to unhealthy and abusive relationships. We have a constant fear of abandonment, and huge trust issues. We carry a constant feeling that the world isn't safe.
We also have massive issues around deserving. Deep down we may feel that we don't deserve good things, or good relationships, or even that we don't deserve to heal. We may also have beliefs around healing that healing means she gets away with it, for example, which block us, or the belief that being unhappy is a badge of proof that this happened.
A lot of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers also have huge difficulty saying nice things about themselves, or celebrating their own successes.
We no doubt have limiting beliefs. They vary from woman to woman but could be things like, It's not safe to be successful, or I have to be quiet and not cause any trouble.
The thing about these beliefs is that often they're so deep down that we don't even know they're there - but they're running, and often ruining, our lives. EFT is terrific for a) identifying and b) erasing these false and limiting beliefs.
We may feel the burden of keeping family secrets, and feel guilt and shame around those.
We are torn between cutting off all contact - but that's so big a decision - and having to deal with her on a regular basis.
We doubt our own abilities to be mothers in our turn.
We Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers have a lot of issues which come from having lived this cruel crazy-making lifestyle.
I think that living with a Narcissistic Mother is possibly one of the most horrendous abuses of children, because - depending where on the Narcissistic Spectrum our mother is located - it can be so subtle that we don't even realise we're being abused.
As one of the members of our forum wrote so eloquently:
As different as [all daughters of narcissistic mothers] are, as varied as our situations, ages, memories, degrees of suffering or desire to vent, the consequences of being raised by this kind of mentally ill mother are essentially universal.
It is an abnegation of the soul, and I'd argue that the damage it does is more insidious than most other forms of child abuse.
It is completely invisible to everyone, including the perpetrator (who literally cannot see what she is doing) and her victim (who knows only this). The harm it does is all pervasive; it is vicious, painfully unjust and mutilating.
(Reprinted with permission; bolding/italics mine)
I certainly didn't know this abuse was going on. When my sister more or less left home when she was 15, all-but living with a neighbour, and officially left home never to be seen again at age 17, all I could think was, "What's her problem?"
And it never occurred to me to wonder where my own depression, suicide attempt and constant suicide thoughts, and eating disorder, had come from.
We just internalise the stress, and think it's us that's wrong, and horrible, and maybe even crazy. This is assisted by the fact that our Narcissistic Mothers and Enabling Fathers tell us that we're crazy! Maybe not in as many words, but every time they gaslight us to tell us our memory and perceptions are mistaken, it's effectively saying we're crazy.
On my last conversation with my mother she told me patronisingly that I had a very good imagination - the inference being that I was totally imagining all of what I was saying.
Click here for the free "DONM Guidebook to Healing and Thriving"
And why not check out our vibrant and friendly
forum?
We maybe still think our mother loves us because she tells us she does, and we don't know any better to realise that normally love doesn't manifest in such sly put-downs, such undermining, such neglect. And of course our culture tells us, loud and clear and over and over, that our mother loves us, and that we need to love her. And because of this, our friends just don't - cannot - understand any of this, and that's lonely too.
And we believe we love her because, well, that's
what daughters do. And as normal loving girls we crave to love.
The heritage of being a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother just goes on and on - I've heard it described, bitterly, as the gift that keeps on giving.
We feel we cannot be our authentic true selves, even assuming we can figure out who that authentic self even is.
We suffer from low self-esteem, often to the level of self-loathing, and we struggle with self-care. We almost certainly cannot love ourselves, and all this is evidenced by our negative self-talk.
We may believe we have no right to exist, and almost certainly feel that we're never good enough, that we're not acceptable, that at some deep down level we're inherently flawed.
We either are forever self-sabotaging, or burdened with impossible perfectionism.
Although there is often euphoria when we make this discovery about NPD, as we realise we're not crazy, that can be quickly followed by anger, grief and bereavement, sadness, shame and guilt, and maybe even hatred.
We're weary of our successes being dismissed and our tragedies being used as drama-queen fodder.
We perhaps still always feel like a little girl, and we're probably scared to own, or access, our own power - and that keeps us feeling powerless too. We've had years of being told we're too sensitive, and possibly we are, now.
We have difficulty setting boundaries, whether that's with our family or with others.
We may well be overly fearful of authority figures, or people being angry with us.
We worry about whether we ourselves are narcissistic.
We may have body issues - either being overweight, or terrified of gaining weight.
We may find ourselves still experiencing huge fear of her, no matter how old we are or how assertive in other parts of our lives.
We may find that we're still trying - in vain, of course - to get her approval, or to get her attention.
We may want to severely limit our contact with her, or even to cut off all contact- but be worried and confused about that.
We no doubt have difficulties in forming relationships, or maybe we're attracted to unhealthy and abusive relationships. We have a constant fear of abandonment, and huge trust issues. We carry a constant feeling that the world isn't safe.
We also have massive issues around deserving. Deep down we may feel that we don't deserve good things, or good relationships, or even that we don't deserve to heal. We may also have beliefs around healing that healing means she gets away with it, for example, which block us, or the belief that being unhappy is a badge of proof that this happened.
A lot of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers also have huge difficulty saying nice things about themselves, or celebrating their own successes.
We no doubt have limiting beliefs. They vary from woman to woman but could be things like, It's not safe to be successful, or I have to be quiet and not cause any trouble.
The thing about these beliefs is that often they're so deep down that we don't even know they're there - but they're running, and often ruining, our lives. EFT is terrific for a) identifying and b) erasing these false and limiting beliefs.
We may feel the burden of keeping family secrets, and feel guilt and shame around those.
We are torn between cutting off all contact - but that's so big a decision - and having to deal with her on a regular basis.
We doubt our own abilities to be mothers in our turn.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a strange-sounding term which refers to the way in which abusers such as Narcissistic Mothers lie to you, by word or deed, intentionally or not intentionally, to convince you that your version of reality is not right.
The phrase comes from the 1940's film Gaslight, in which an abusive husband deliberately dims the gaslights in the house, but when his wife comments on it he tells her she's imagining it, that the lights never dimmed at all.
Gaslighting is one of the most insiduous, viscious, nasty and effective forms of emotional and psychological abuse.
And why not check out our vibrant and friendly forum?
It can make the victim feel as if she's going crazy. If your perceptions of reality are constantly denied, and above all, denied by your mother, the person you look up to and who you think knows everything, it is very, very head-wrecking and crazy-making.
This gaslighting can be done deliberately, as in the example from the film above, in order to make you go crazy. Malignant Narcissists would be prone to doing this.
Or the crazy-making can just be a side-effect and the gaslighting is done in order to preserve the Narcissistic Mother's vision of herself as perfect, without her actually having to do the stuff that would make her perfect.
I wrote about my wedding and how my mother never gave me any compliment, but swears blind, shouting it, that she did. This is gaslighting.
She didn't deliberately say to me on the day, "Pity you look so ugly," and then deny it - that would be the act of a Malignant Narcissist.
But she was too self-absorbed and self-centred to say anything nice to me AND she was too convinced of her own wonderful motherness to even entertain the possibility that she wouldn't say anything nice to me, so she re-wrote history to make that that she did.
It's impossible for non-narcissists to get into the mind of narcissists, so I have no idea if this is right. But my best guess is that in her mind it's a case of: "A wonderful mother would have told her daughter she looked lovely, and I am a wonderful mother, therefore I would have/must have said it, and if Danu says differently she must be mistaken".
Gaslighting is also insiduous because so many of a Narcissistic Mother's cruelties are small ones. Any particular example of them can be dismissed as just a thoughtless word, and we're all thoughtless sometimes.
But her cruelties add up to death by a thousand cuts, and if you're trying to reason with her (which, don't bother doing. But until you realise this ...) and you're using previous examples of the same cruelty in an attempt to show a pattern - well, it won't work because she will simply deny that the previous examples happened.
Another form of gaslighting is the denial of your right to be upset. In this case the Narcissist might accept that the situation happened, but will invalidate you by vehemently denying that there was anything untoward about it, or any valid reason to get upset.
You might like to check out our Narcissistic Mother-English Dictionary.
You might aso find the film/movie Gaslight to be interesting. It clearly (and chillingly) shows exactly how gaslighting works.
Gaslighting is a strange-sounding term which refers to the way in which abusers such as Narcissistic Mothers lie to you, by word or deed, intentionally or not intentionally, to convince you that your version of reality is not right.
The phrase comes from the 1940's film Gaslight, in which an abusive husband deliberately dims the gaslights in the house, but when his wife comments on it he tells her she's imagining it, that the lights never dimmed at all.
Gaslighting is one of the most insiduous, viscious, nasty and effective forms of emotional and psychological abuse.
And why not check out our vibrant and friendly forum?
It can make the victim feel as if she's going crazy. If your perceptions of reality are constantly denied, and above all, denied by your mother, the person you look up to and who you think knows everything, it is very, very head-wrecking and crazy-making.
This gaslighting can be done deliberately, as in the example from the film above, in order to make you go crazy. Malignant Narcissists would be prone to doing this.
Or the crazy-making can just be a side-effect and the gaslighting is done in order to preserve the Narcissistic Mother's vision of herself as perfect, without her actually having to do the stuff that would make her perfect.
I wrote about my wedding and how my mother never gave me any compliment, but swears blind, shouting it, that she did. This is gaslighting.
She didn't deliberately say to me on the day, "Pity you look so ugly," and then deny it - that would be the act of a Malignant Narcissist.
But she was too self-absorbed and self-centred to say anything nice to me AND she was too convinced of her own wonderful motherness to even entertain the possibility that she wouldn't say anything nice to me, so she re-wrote history to make that that she did.
It's impossible for non-narcissists to get into the mind of narcissists, so I have no idea if this is right. But my best guess is that in her mind it's a case of: "A wonderful mother would have told her daughter she looked lovely, and I am a wonderful mother, therefore I would have/must have said it, and if Danu says differently she must be mistaken".
Gaslighting is also insiduous because so many of a Narcissistic Mother's cruelties are small ones. Any particular example of them can be dismissed as just a thoughtless word, and we're all thoughtless sometimes.
But her cruelties add up to death by a thousand cuts, and if you're trying to reason with her (which, don't bother doing. But until you realise this ...) and you're using previous examples of the same cruelty in an attempt to show a pattern - well, it won't work because she will simply deny that the previous examples happened.
Another form of gaslighting is the denial of your right to be upset. In this case the Narcissist might accept that the situation happened, but will invalidate you by vehemently denying that there was anything untoward about it, or any valid reason to get upset.
You might like to check out our Narcissistic Mother-English Dictionary.
You might aso find the film/movie Gaslight to be interesting. It clearly (and chillingly) shows exactly how gaslighting works.
Invalidation
Invalidation
Narcissistic mothers are masters of invalidation. It's part of their gaslighting armoury. They dismiss and undermine your your feelings and emotions to make you feel only what's acceptable to them. This means that they get to treat you the way they want, and manouvre the situation so you don't get to feel the appropriate responses.
It is cruel beyond measure. Of all the abuses heaped upon daughters of narcissistic mothers, this might be the worst. If you can't even trust and own your own feelings - well, what have you left?
Invalidation leaves daughters of narcissistic mothers with a lot of doubt into adulthood, not able to trust their own feelings - how do they know that they're feeling what they think they're feeling, or if it's right? And given that our feelings are our guides - every feeling carries an important message - then we're missing out on that essential system. For instance, if we don't trust our fear, how do we know if we're in danger, and then how can we take the necessary steps to protect ourselves?
Because of this invalidation daughters of narcissistic mothers can grow up believing that they are abnormal or twisted. This is because our totally natural and normal feelings are told to be wrong (either in as many words, or by implication), and so we absorb the message that we're wrong to have them.
This is totally head-wrecking stuff.
Invalidation & Self-Harm
Deb Martinson, here, writes:
We aren't born knowing how to express and cope with our emotions -- we learn from our parents, our siblings, our friends, schoolteachers, -- everyone in our lives.
One factor common to most people who self-injure, whether they were abused or not, is invalidation. They were taught at an early age that their interpretations of and feelings about the things around them were bad and wrong. They learned that certain feelings weren't allowed.
In abusive homes, they may have been severely punished for expressing certain thoughts and feelings. At the same time, they had no good role models for coping.
You can't learn to cope effectively with distress unless you grow up around people who are coping effectively with distress. How could you learn to cook if you'd never seen anyone work in a kitchen?
Although a history of abuse is common among self-injurers, not everyone who self-injures was abused. Sometimes, invalidation and lack of role models for coping are enough, especially if the person's brain chemistry has already primed them for choosing this sort of coping.
Examples of Invalidation
These examples are taken from Steve Hein's excellent website on invalidation.
Ordering you to feel differently:
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Stop taking everything so personally
Ordering you to "look" differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.
Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen
Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable.
Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?
Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....
Debating
I don't always do that.
It's not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)
Judging & Labeling You
You are a cry baby.
You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are an insensitive jerk. .
You need to get your head examined!
You are impossible to talk to.
You are impossible.
You are hopeless.
Turning Things Around
You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
Trying to get you to question yourself
What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?
Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.
Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.
Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)
Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?
Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?
Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.
Talking about you when you can hear it
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.
Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.
Trying to Control How Long You Feel Something, or Judging You for How Long You Feel It
Are you still upset over that? It happened a long time ago.
You should be over that by now.
Explanations
Maybe it is because...
That is because
Of course, because you.... (This one hurts four ways. First, the "of course" minimizes what you feel, second the "because" explains what you feel, as if explaining it nullifies the feeling, third the "you" blames you and fourth, blaming you is a form of attack which is likely to make you feel either defensive or guilt-tripped or both.)
Narcissistic mothers are masters of invalidation. It's part of their gaslighting armoury. They dismiss and undermine your your feelings and emotions to make you feel only what's acceptable to them. This means that they get to treat you the way they want, and manouvre the situation so you don't get to feel the appropriate responses.
It is cruel beyond measure. Of all the abuses heaped upon daughters of narcissistic mothers, this might be the worst. If you can't even trust and own your own feelings - well, what have you left?
Invalidation leaves daughters of narcissistic mothers with a lot of doubt into adulthood, not able to trust their own feelings - how do they know that they're feeling what they think they're feeling, or if it's right? And given that our feelings are our guides - every feeling carries an important message - then we're missing out on that essential system. For instance, if we don't trust our fear, how do we know if we're in danger, and then how can we take the necessary steps to protect ourselves?
Because of this invalidation daughters of narcissistic mothers can grow up believing that they are abnormal or twisted. This is because our totally natural and normal feelings are told to be wrong (either in as many words, or by implication), and so we absorb the message that we're wrong to have them.
This is totally head-wrecking stuff.
Invalidation & Self-Harm
Deb Martinson, here, writes:
We aren't born knowing how to express and cope with our emotions -- we learn from our parents, our siblings, our friends, schoolteachers, -- everyone in our lives.
One factor common to most people who self-injure, whether they were abused or not, is invalidation. They were taught at an early age that their interpretations of and feelings about the things around them were bad and wrong. They learned that certain feelings weren't allowed.
In abusive homes, they may have been severely punished for expressing certain thoughts and feelings. At the same time, they had no good role models for coping.
You can't learn to cope effectively with distress unless you grow up around people who are coping effectively with distress. How could you learn to cook if you'd never seen anyone work in a kitchen?
Although a history of abuse is common among self-injurers, not everyone who self-injures was abused. Sometimes, invalidation and lack of role models for coping are enough, especially if the person's brain chemistry has already primed them for choosing this sort of coping.
Examples of Invalidation
These examples are taken from Steve Hein's excellent website on invalidation.
Ordering you to feel differently:
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Stop taking everything so personally
Ordering you to "look" differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.
Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen
Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable.
Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?
Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....
Debating
I don't always do that.
It's not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)
Judging & Labeling You
You are a cry baby.
You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are an insensitive jerk. .
You need to get your head examined!
You are impossible to talk to.
You are impossible.
You are hopeless.
Turning Things Around
You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
Trying to get you to question yourself
What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?
Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.
Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.
Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)
Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?
Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?
Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.
Talking about you when you can hear it
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.
Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.
Trying to Control How Long You Feel Something, or Judging You for How Long You Feel It
Are you still upset over that? It happened a long time ago.
You should be over that by now.
Explanations
Maybe it is because...
That is because
Of course, because you.... (This one hurts four ways. First, the "of course" minimizes what you feel, second the "because" explains what you feel, as if explaining it nullifies the feeling, third the "you" blames you and fourth, blaming you is a form of attack which is likely to make you feel either defensive or guilt-tripped or both.)
Letter about a Narcissistic Mother
Dear Therapy Soup Reader,
A woman in recovery from PTSD found that learning about her mother’s belated diagnosis of Narcissistic and Histrionic Personality Disorders freed her from much of her life-long guilt and shame. We’re sharing some of her thoughts she wrote down for you (with a bit of our editing).
Have you had a bizarre history of an on-again, off-again relationship with your mother who makes it truly impossible for you to maintain any self-respect because she uses and maybe abuses you? Even if you’re the kind of person who believes that both people in relationships need to take responsibility, it really may not be your fault. See if any of my questions resonate with you.
Does your mother ask how you are (and barely listens to you) just to get your stuff out of the way so she can talk about herself?
Do you feel a strange disconnect from her/with her?
If you have a cold, does she have the flu? If you dented the car was she in a six car pileup? If you got promoted did she get an Emmy? If you’re having a baby, did she invent a cure for botulism?
Does your mother seem phony or overly dramatic?
Do people who’ve never seen the two of you together find her charming?
Does you mother try to get your friends, spouse, associates to collude with her against you? Do the people in your life now “get it” and don’t find her charming any more?
Does your mother give your friends, her friends, doctors, even strangers, inappropriately expensive gifts and give you her hand-me-downs?
If you reject something she does she have hysterics, crying about how cruel and thoughtless you are and how she tried do hard to do good?
Did your mother ignore you as a child to the point where she would “forget” to buy you clothes, pick you up from activities, or feed you?
Does she say really hurtful things to you that land just under the radar—viciously cruel (perhaps even evil), but virtually no one else but you understands that it these are intentional put-downs? Does she generally do this when there are no witnesses or when there are witnesses that are “on her side”? Does she sometimes do it in front of your friends or spouse in order to gauge their reaction and see if they’ll align with her?
Does your mother deny your memories of events, even denying physical abuse? Does she employ several tactics to invalidate your memories, including dismissal of the importance of the memory, denial that the event occurred, breaking into hysterics and histrionics that effectively shut down all rational discussion, etc?
Does she “set you up”, promising you the moon (her love, a vacation together, a gift, a joint therapy session, a new car), reel you in with the bait, and then say that you misinterpreted what she meant and that none of that was going to really happen?
Did your mother leave you in dangerous situations—outside in storms, at home alone with known abusers, locked in basements, etc., when you were a child?
Did your mother ever take you shopping as a child and ask you to pick out your favorite stuffed animal or toy, then buy it, wrap it up with bows, and give it to the neighbor’s kid, watching closely to see (and enjoy) your pained surprise?
Does your mother almost always lie, even when it would be in her best interests or simply easier to tell the truth?
Does your mother usually forget your birthday or send you a wildly inappropriate and unwanted gift?
Did your mother ever move and not tell you her address for a while, a week, a month, years?
Did your mother indulge her every whim and fantasy, having the house feng shuied, getting in-home massages, buying expensive antiques, jetting to Europe to get her hair cut, but felt it it unnecessary to buy you clothes, shoes, books, toys or other basic things a child usually gets?
Is everything always about her?
Does she blame everyone else for anything and everything and never, ever takes responsibility for the emotional (and sometimes physical) wreckage she leaves in her tracks?
Did your mother ever try to get you kicked out of college, a job, a group? Did your mother ever get you fired from a job?
Did your mother ever come to your elementary/middle/high school/college/performance and laugh at you or pretend she didn’t know you? Did she tell other performers (and their parents) how wonderful their performance was, but say nothing about your performance or talk about you dismissively?
Did you ever run into your mother’s arms as a toddler, only to be pushed away in disgust?
Do therapists not believe you, until you show them letters and emails from from your mother or they get the chance to meet her?
Did your mother triangulate the family, demanding that her parents, your aunt, your cousins not have contact with you because it “upset” her? Did she do the same with your siblings? Does she create a web of lies and manipulate circumstances to keep people separate so they don’t figure out what’s going on?
Did your mother shower “love” and overwhelming attention on one sibling and turn the others into the scapegoat?
If your answers are “yes, repeatedly” to more than a couple of these questions, your mother might have narcissistic personality disorder and/or histrionic personality disorder ( she also may be struggling with some painful traits of borderline personality disorder or have traits of sadistic personality disorder* or maybe even anti-social personality disorder or a combination of these).
You may feel blind with rage and at other times that life just isn’t worth living. In some cases fathers can be enablers or were abusers, too. It can be hard because sometimes people who hear a story like this, even therapists, and they either don’t believe it or think you are exaggerating.
When you have a mother (or father or other caregiver) like this, your sense of reality is never really sure. That’s why I call it a game. And it is a game to someone with Narcissistic or Histrionic PD. The game is “Me Against the World”. The goal is to get everyone to watch me, need me, focus on me, be kept off-balance by me, be controlled by me, be destroyed by me.
In a way, mother is like a black-hole, empty as eternity. She is also a vacuum (yes, nature abhors a vacuum and mother’s constantly trying to be filled). But I also pity her—more than that, actually. I feel such sorrow for her suffering, because I believe she must be suffering. And I see glimmers of hope. Sometimes, I sense a pause in her emptiness as if her soul is trying to infiltrate the emptiness. Sometimes I sense genuineness. These moments are precious to me and I try to encourage them now that I am strong enough to not feel the arrows she slings at me.
What really helped the daughter, above, on her healing journey was information and meeting others who’d been through what she had been through:
About NPD here at PsychCentral
About HPD here at PsychCentral
About Personality Disorders here at PsychCentral
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers which has information, validating checklists, forums and chat rooms for daughters of narcissistic mothers only.
A brief video about how parents with NPD often divorce, and how their children can be victims of abuse, parental alienation syndrome, and suffer from mental illness and/or addiction, co-dependency and personality disorders including NPD, HPD, BPD, and other problems.
We love these brief YouTube videos by Toronto therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish. She really addresses so many of the problems that people with parents who have PDs face, including co-dependency and parental alienation syndrome.
Note: Yes, of course a father could also have one or more personality disorders. Some personality disorders are more prevalent in males, some in females but in no way is this post aligning with bias or prejudice. Please remember that we are sharing a specific person’s story at her request and we did not choose the sex of the people involved.
*The diagnosis of sadistic personality disorder is no longer in the DSM and the upcoming DSM is apparently going to eliminate more personality disorders. However, the umbrella “personality disorder not defined” might still be used when multiple traits from more than one personality disorder are found.
A woman in recovery from PTSD found that learning about her mother’s belated diagnosis of Narcissistic and Histrionic Personality Disorders freed her from much of her life-long guilt and shame. We’re sharing some of her thoughts she wrote down for you (with a bit of our editing).
Have you had a bizarre history of an on-again, off-again relationship with your mother who makes it truly impossible for you to maintain any self-respect because she uses and maybe abuses you? Even if you’re the kind of person who believes that both people in relationships need to take responsibility, it really may not be your fault. See if any of my questions resonate with you.
Does your mother ask how you are (and barely listens to you) just to get your stuff out of the way so she can talk about herself?
Do you feel a strange disconnect from her/with her?
If you have a cold, does she have the flu? If you dented the car was she in a six car pileup? If you got promoted did she get an Emmy? If you’re having a baby, did she invent a cure for botulism?
Does your mother seem phony or overly dramatic?
Do people who’ve never seen the two of you together find her charming?
Does you mother try to get your friends, spouse, associates to collude with her against you? Do the people in your life now “get it” and don’t find her charming any more?
Does your mother give your friends, her friends, doctors, even strangers, inappropriately expensive gifts and give you her hand-me-downs?
If you reject something she does she have hysterics, crying about how cruel and thoughtless you are and how she tried do hard to do good?
Did your mother ignore you as a child to the point where she would “forget” to buy you clothes, pick you up from activities, or feed you?
Does she say really hurtful things to you that land just under the radar—viciously cruel (perhaps even evil), but virtually no one else but you understands that it these are intentional put-downs? Does she generally do this when there are no witnesses or when there are witnesses that are “on her side”? Does she sometimes do it in front of your friends or spouse in order to gauge their reaction and see if they’ll align with her?
Does your mother deny your memories of events, even denying physical abuse? Does she employ several tactics to invalidate your memories, including dismissal of the importance of the memory, denial that the event occurred, breaking into hysterics and histrionics that effectively shut down all rational discussion, etc?
Does she “set you up”, promising you the moon (her love, a vacation together, a gift, a joint therapy session, a new car), reel you in with the bait, and then say that you misinterpreted what she meant and that none of that was going to really happen?
Did your mother leave you in dangerous situations—outside in storms, at home alone with known abusers, locked in basements, etc., when you were a child?
Did your mother ever take you shopping as a child and ask you to pick out your favorite stuffed animal or toy, then buy it, wrap it up with bows, and give it to the neighbor’s kid, watching closely to see (and enjoy) your pained surprise?
Does your mother almost always lie, even when it would be in her best interests or simply easier to tell the truth?
Does your mother usually forget your birthday or send you a wildly inappropriate and unwanted gift?
Did your mother ever move and not tell you her address for a while, a week, a month, years?
Did your mother indulge her every whim and fantasy, having the house feng shuied, getting in-home massages, buying expensive antiques, jetting to Europe to get her hair cut, but felt it it unnecessary to buy you clothes, shoes, books, toys or other basic things a child usually gets?
Is everything always about her?
Does she blame everyone else for anything and everything and never, ever takes responsibility for the emotional (and sometimes physical) wreckage she leaves in her tracks?
Did your mother ever try to get you kicked out of college, a job, a group? Did your mother ever get you fired from a job?
Did your mother ever come to your elementary/middle/high school/college/performance and laugh at you or pretend she didn’t know you? Did she tell other performers (and their parents) how wonderful their performance was, but say nothing about your performance or talk about you dismissively?
Did you ever run into your mother’s arms as a toddler, only to be pushed away in disgust?
Do therapists not believe you, until you show them letters and emails from from your mother or they get the chance to meet her?
Did your mother triangulate the family, demanding that her parents, your aunt, your cousins not have contact with you because it “upset” her? Did she do the same with your siblings? Does she create a web of lies and manipulate circumstances to keep people separate so they don’t figure out what’s going on?
Did your mother shower “love” and overwhelming attention on one sibling and turn the others into the scapegoat?
If your answers are “yes, repeatedly” to more than a couple of these questions, your mother might have narcissistic personality disorder and/or histrionic personality disorder ( she also may be struggling with some painful traits of borderline personality disorder or have traits of sadistic personality disorder* or maybe even anti-social personality disorder or a combination of these).
You may feel blind with rage and at other times that life just isn’t worth living. In some cases fathers can be enablers or were abusers, too. It can be hard because sometimes people who hear a story like this, even therapists, and they either don’t believe it or think you are exaggerating.
When you have a mother (or father or other caregiver) like this, your sense of reality is never really sure. That’s why I call it a game. And it is a game to someone with Narcissistic or Histrionic PD. The game is “Me Against the World”. The goal is to get everyone to watch me, need me, focus on me, be kept off-balance by me, be controlled by me, be destroyed by me.
In a way, mother is like a black-hole, empty as eternity. She is also a vacuum (yes, nature abhors a vacuum and mother’s constantly trying to be filled). But I also pity her—more than that, actually. I feel such sorrow for her suffering, because I believe she must be suffering. And I see glimmers of hope. Sometimes, I sense a pause in her emptiness as if her soul is trying to infiltrate the emptiness. Sometimes I sense genuineness. These moments are precious to me and I try to encourage them now that I am strong enough to not feel the arrows she slings at me.
What really helped the daughter, above, on her healing journey was information and meeting others who’d been through what she had been through:
About NPD here at PsychCentral
About HPD here at PsychCentral
About Personality Disorders here at PsychCentral
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers which has information, validating checklists, forums and chat rooms for daughters of narcissistic mothers only.
A brief video about how parents with NPD often divorce, and how their children can be victims of abuse, parental alienation syndrome, and suffer from mental illness and/or addiction, co-dependency and personality disorders including NPD, HPD, BPD, and other problems.
We love these brief YouTube videos by Toronto therapist Victoria Lorient-Faibish. She really addresses so many of the problems that people with parents who have PDs face, including co-dependency and parental alienation syndrome.
Note: Yes, of course a father could also have one or more personality disorders. Some personality disorders are more prevalent in males, some in females but in no way is this post aligning with bias or prejudice. Please remember that we are sharing a specific person’s story at her request and we did not choose the sex of the people involved.
*The diagnosis of sadistic personality disorder is no longer in the DSM and the upcoming DSM is apparently going to eliminate more personality disorders. However, the umbrella “personality disorder not defined” might still be used when multiple traits from more than one personality disorder are found.
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