Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

• It's about secret things. 

Destructive Narcissistic Parent 

creates a child that only exists to be an extension of her self. 

• It's about body language.
• It's about disapproving glances. 
• It's about vocal tone. 
• It's very intimate. 
• And it's very powerful. 
• It's part of who the child is. ~ Chris

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers 

1. Everything she does is deniable.

•  There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.
• She rarely says right out that she thinks you're inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell her you've done something good, she counters with something your sibling did that was better or she simply ignores you or she hears you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you borrow the car to go to the awards ceremony) by enough time that someone who didn't live through her abuse would never believe the connection.
• Many of her put-downs are simply by comparison. She'll talk about how wonderful someone else is or what a wonderful job they did on something you've also done or how highly she thinks of them. The contrast is left up to you. She has let you know that you're no good without saying a word. She'll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice that conveys how unhappy she is, again, completely deniable. It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or they way they look at you, but once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word. As a result, you're always afraid, always in the wrong, and can never exactly put your finger on why.
• Her abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because she is careful to rationalize her abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about her. She's also careful about when and how she engages in her abuses. She's very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers ("Don't wash our dirty laundry in public!") and will punish you for telling anyone else what she's done. The times and locations of her worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see her bad behavior, and she will seem like a completely different person in public. She'll slam you to other people, but will always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding ("I feel so sorry for poor Cynthia. She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don't know what I can do for her!") As a consequence the children of narcissists universally report that no one believes them ("I have to tell you that she always talks about YOU in the most caring way!). Unfortunately therapists, given the deniable actions of the narcissist and eager to defend a fellow parent, will often jump to the narcissist's defense as well, reinforcing your sense of isolation and helplessness ("I'm sure she didn't mean it like that!")

2. She violates your boundaries. 

You feel like an extension of her. Your property is given away without your consent, sometimes in front of you. Your food is eaten off your plate or given to others off your plate. Your property may be repossessed and no reason given other than that it was never yours. Your time is committed without consulting you, and opinions purported to be yours are expressed for you. (She LOVES going to the fair! He would never want anything like that. She wouldn't like kumquats.) You are discussed in your presence as though you are not there. She keeps tabs on your bodily functions and humiliates you by divulging the information she gleans, especially when it can be used to demonstrate her devotion and highlight her martyrdom to your needs ("Mike had that problem with frequent urination too, only his was much worse. I was so worried about him!") You have never known what it is like to have privacy in the bathroom or in your bedroom, and she goes through your things regularly. She asks nosy questions, snoops into your email/letters/diary/conversations. She will want to dig into your feelings, particularly painful ones and is always looking for negative information on you which can be used against you. She does things against your expressed wishes frequently. All of this is done without seeming embarrassment or thought.

Any attempt at autonomy on your part is strongly resisted. Normal rites of passage (learning to shave, wearing makeup, dating) are grudgingly allowed only if you insist, and you're punished for your insistence ("Since you're old enough to date, I think you're old enough to pay for your own clothes!") If you demand age-appropriate clothing, grooming, control over your own life, or rights, you are difficult and she ridicules your "independence."

3. She favoritizes. 

Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions between the children, one of whom has a large investment in the mother being wise and wonderful, and the other(s) who hate her. That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother's actions. The golden child may also directly take on the narcissistic mother's tasks by physically abusing the scapegoat so the narcissistic mother doesn't have to do that herself.

4. She undermines. 

Your accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that she can take credit for them. Any success or accomplishment for which she cannot take credit is ignored or diminished. Any time you are to be center stage and there is no opportunity for her to be the center of attention, she will try to prevent the occasion altogether, or she doesn't come, or she leaves early, or she acts like it's no big deal, or she steals the spotlight or she slips in little wounding comments about how much better someone else did or how what you did wasn't as much as you could have done or as you think it is. She undermines you by picking fights with you or being especially unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort. She acts put out if she has to do anything to support your opportunities or will outright refuse to do even small things in support of you. She will be nasty to you about things that are peripherally connected with your successes so that you find your joy in what you've done is tarnished, without her ever saying anything directly about it. No matter what your success, she has to take you down a peg about it.

5. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates.

She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person's side even if she doesn't know them at all. She doesn't care about those people or the justice of your complaints. She just wants to let you know that you're never right.

• She will deliver generalized barbs that are almost impossible to rebut (always in a loving, caring tone): 

"You were always difficult"
 "You can be very difficult to love"
 "You never seemed to be able to finish anything"
"You were very hard to live with"
"You're always causing trouble"
"No one could put up with the things you do." 

• She will deliver slams in a sidelong way - for example she'll complain about how
•  "no one" loves her
• does anything for her
• or cares about her
• or she'll complain that "everyone" is so selfish, when you're the only person in the room. 

As always, this combines criticism with deniability.

• She will slip little comments into conversation that she really enjoyed something she did with someone else - something she did with you too, but didn't like as much. She'll let you know that her relationship with some other person you both know is wonderful in a way your relationship with her isn't - the carefully unspoken message being that you don't matter much to her.

She minimizes, discounts or ignores your opinions and experiences. Your insights are met with condescension, denials and accusations ("I think you read too much!") and she will brush off your information even on subjects on which you are an acknowledged expert. Whatever you say is met with smirks and amused sounding or exaggerated exclamations ("Uh hunh!" "You don't say!" "Really!"). She'll then make it clear that she didn't listen to a word you said.

6. She makes you look crazy.

 If you try to confront her about something she's done, she'll tell you that you have
 "a very vivid imagination" (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don't know what you're talking about, or that she has no idea what you're talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten. This is an extremely aggressive and exceptionally infuriating tactic called "gaslighting," common to abusers of all kinds.

• Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory or your powers of reasoning. This makes you a much better victim for the abuser.
• Narcissists gaslight routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you outright that you're unstable, otherwise you wouldn't believe such ridiculous things or be so uncooperative. You're oversensitive. You're imagining things. You're hysterical. You're completely unreasonable. You're over-reacting, like you always do. She'll talk to you when you've calmed down and aren't so irrational. She may even characterize you as being neurotic or psychotic.
• Once she's constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathological, she'll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victim-hood. She didn't do anything. She has no idea why you're so irrationally angry with her. You've hurt her terribly. She thinks you may need psychotherapy. She loves you very much and would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn't know what to do. You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.
• She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious antipathy towards her, implied that it's something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners. She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.

7. She's envious. 

• Any time you get something nice she's angry and envious and her envy will be apparent when she admires whatever it is. She'll try to get it from you, spoil it for you, or get the same or better for herself. She's always working on ways to get what other people have. The envy of narcissistic mothers often includes competing sexually with their daughters or daughters-in-law. They'll attempt to forbid their daughters to wear makeup, to groom themselves in an age-appropriate way or to date. They will criticize the appearance of their daughters and daughters-in-law. This envy extends to relationships. Narcissistic mothers infamously attempt to damage their children's marriages and interfere in the upbringing of their grandchildren.

8. She's a liar in too many ways to count. 

Any time she talks about something that has emotional significance for her, it's a fair bet that she's lying.

• Lying is one way that she creates conflict in the relationships and lives of those around her.
• She'll lie to them about what other people have said, what they've done, or how they feel. 
• She'll lie about her relationship with them, about your behavior or about your situation in order to inflate herself and to undermine your credibility.

• The narcissist is very careful about how she lies. 
• To outsiders she'll lie thoughtfully and deliberately, always in a way that can be covered up if she's confronted with her lie. 
• She spins what you said rather than makes something up wholesale. 
• She puts dishonest interpretations on things you actually did.
• If she's recently done something particularly egregious she may engage in preventative lying: she lies in advance to discount what you might say before you even say it. 
• Then when you talk about what she did you'll be cut off with 

"I already know all about it…your mother told me... (self-justifications and lies)." 

• Because she is so careful about her deniability, it may be very hard to catch her in her lies and the more gullible of her friends may never realize how dishonest she is.

• To you, she'll lie blatantly. 
• She will claim to be unable to remember bad things she has done, even if she did one of them recently and even if it was something very memorable. 
• Of course, if you try to jog her memory by recounting the circumstances 

"You have a very vivid imagination" or
"That was so long ago. Why do you have to dredge up your old grudges?"

• Your conversations with her are full of casual brush-offs and diversionary lies.
• She doesn't respect you enough to bother making it sound good. 

For example she'll start with a self-serving lie:

"If I don't take you as a dependent on my taxes I'll lose three thousand dollars!" 

You refute her lie with an obvious truth:

"No, three thousand dollars is the amount of the dependent exemption. You'll only lose about eight hundred dollars."

Her response: 

"Isn't that what I said?"

 You are now in a game with only one rule: 

You can't win.
On the rare occasions she is forced to acknowledge some bad behavior, she will couch the admission deniable.
She "guesses" that "maybe" she "might have" done something wrong.

• The wrongdoing is always heavily spun and trimmed to make it sound better.
• The words "I guess," "maybe," and "might have" are in and of themselves lies because she knows exactly what she did - no guessing, no might haves, no maybes.

9. She has to be the center of attention all the time.

This need is a defining trait of narcissists and particularly of narcissistic mothers for whom their children exist to be sources of attention and adoration. Narcissistic mothers love to be waited on and often pepper their children with little requests. "While you're up…" or its equivalent is one of their favorite phrases. You couldn't just be assigned a chore at the beginning of the week or of the day, instead, you had to do it on demand, preferably at a time that was inconvenient for you, or you had to "help" her do it, fetching and carrying for her while she made up to herself for the menial work she had to do as your mother by glorying in your attentions.

A narcissistic mother may create odd occasions at which she can be the center of attention, such as memorials for someone close to her who died long ago, or major celebrations of small personal milestones. She may love to entertain so she can be the life of her own party. She will try to steal the spotlight or will try to spoil any occasion where someone else is the center of attention, particularly the child she has cast as the scapegoat. She often invites herself along where she isn't welcome. If she visits you or you visit her, you are required to spend all your time with her. Entertaining herself is unthinkable. She has always pouted, manipulated or raged if you tried to do anything without her, didn't want to entertain her, refused to wait on her, stymied her plans for a drama or otherwise deprived her of attention.

Older narcissistic mothers often use the natural limitations of aging to manipulate dramas, often by neglecting their health or by doing things they know will make them ill. This gives them the opportunity to cash in on the investment they made when they trained you to wait on them as a child. Then they call you (or better still, get the neighbor or the nursing home administrator to call you) demanding your immediate attendance. You are to rush to her side, pat her hand, weep over her pain and listen sympathetically to her unending complaints about how hard and awful it is. ("Never get old!") It's almost never the case that you can actually do anything useful, and the causes of her disability may have been completely avoidable, but you've been put in an extremely difficult position. If you don't provide the audience and attention she's manipulating to get, you look extremely bad to everyone else and may even have legal culpability. (Narcissistic behaviors commonly accompany Alzheimer's disease, so this behavior may also occur in perfectly normal mothers as they age.)

10. She manipulates your emotions in order to feed on your pain. 

This exceptionally sick and bizarre behavior is so common among narcissistic mothers that their children often call them "emotional vampires." Some of this emotional feeding comes in the form of pure sadism. She does and says things just to be wounding or she engages in tormenting teasing or she needles you about things you're sensitive about, all the while a smile plays over her lips. She may have taken you to scary movies or told you horrifying stories, then mocked you for being a baby when you cried, She will slip a wounding comment into conversation and smile delightedly into your hurt face. You can hear the laughter in her voice as she pressures you or says distressing things to you. Later she'll gloat over how much she upset you, gaily telling other people that you're so much fun to tease, and recruiting others to share in her amusement. . She enjoys her cruelties and makes no effort to disguise that. She wants you to know that your pain entertains her. She may bring up subjects that are painful for you and probe you about them, all the while watching you carefully. This is emotional vampirism in its purest form. She's feeding emotionally off your pain.

A peculiar form of this emotional vampirism combines attention-seeking behavior with a demand that the audience suffer. Since narcissistic mothers often play the martyr this may take the form of wrenching, self-pitying dramas which she carefully produces, and in which she is the star performer. She sobs and wails that no one loves her and everyone is so selfish, and she doesn't want to live, she wants to die! She wants to die! She will not seem to care how much the manipulation of their emotions and the self-pity repels other people. One weird behavior that is very common to narcissists: her dramas may also center around the tragedies of other people, often relating how much she suffered by association and trying to distress her listeners, as she cries over the horrible murder of someone she wouldn't recognize if they had passed her on the street.

11. She's selfish and willful.

 She always makes sure she has the best of everything. She insists on having her own way all the time and she will ruthlessly, manipulatively pursue it, even if what she wants isn't worth all the effort she's putting into it and even if that effort goes far beyond normal behavior. She will make a huge effort to get something you denied her, even if it was entirely your right to do so and even if her demand was selfish and unreasonable. If you tell her she cannot bring her friends to your party she will show up with them anyway, and she will have told them that they were invited so that you either have to give in, or be the bad guy to these poor dupes on your doorstep. If you tell her she can't come over to your house tonight she'll call your spouse and try get him or her to agree that she can, and to not say anything to you about it because it's a "surprise." She has to show you that you can't tell her "no."

One near-universal characteristic of narcissists: because they are so selfish and self-centered, they are very bad gift givers. They'll give you hand-me-downs or market things for themselves as gifts for you ("I thought I'd give you my old bicycle and buy myself a new one!" "I know how much you love Italian food, so I'm going to take you to my favorite restaurant for your birthday!") New gifts are often obviously cheap and are usually things that don't suit you or that you can't use or are a quid pro quo: if you buy her the gift she wants, she will buy you an item of your choice. She'll make it clear that it pains her to give you anything. She may buy you a gift and get the identical item for herself, or take you shopping for a gift and get herself something nice at the same time to make herself feel better.

12. She's self-absorbed. 

Her feelings, needs and wants are very important; yours are insignificant to the point that her least whim takes precedence over your most basic needs. Her problems deserve your immediate and full attention; yours are brushed aside. Her wishes always take precedence; if she does something for you, she reminds you constantly of her munificence in doing so and will often try to extract some sort of payment. She will complain constantly, even though your situation may be much worse than hers. If you point that out, she will effortlessly, thoughtlessly brush it aside as of no importance (It's easy for you…/It's different for you…).


13. She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism. If you criticize her or defy her she will explode with fury, threaten, storm, rage, destroy and may become violent, beating, confining, putting her child outdoors in bad weather or otherwise engaging in classic physical abuse.

14. She terrorized.

 For all abusers, fear is a powerful means of control of the victim, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren't present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared. If you don't, the punishments will come. Even adult children of narcissists still feel that carefully inculcated fear. Your narcissistic mother can turn it on with a silence or a look that tells the child in you she's thinking about how she's going to get even.

Not all narcissists abuse physically, but most do, often in subtle, deniable ways.
It allows them to vent their rage at your failure to be the solution to their internal havoc and simultaneously to teach you to fear them.
You may not have been beaten, but you were almost certainly left to endure physical pain when a normal mother would have made an effort to relieve your misery.
 This deniable form of battery allows her to store up her rage and dole out the punishment at a later time when she's worked out an airtight rationale for her abuse, so she never risks exposure.
You were left hungry because "you eat too much." (Someone asked her if she was pregnant. She isn't).
You always went to school with stomach flu because "you don't have a fever. You're just trying to get out of school." (She resents having to take care of you. You have a lot of nerve getting sick and adding to her burdens.) She refuses to look at your bloody heels and instead the shoes that wore those blisters on your heels are put back on your feet and you're sent to the store in them because "You wanted those shoes. Now you can wear them." (You said the ones she wanted to get you were ugly. She liked them because they were just like what she wore 30 years ago). The dentist was told not to give you Novocaine when he drilled your tooth because "he has to learn to take better care of his teeth." (She has to pay for a filling and she's furious at having to spend money on you.)

Narcissistic mothers also abuse by loosing others on you or by failing to protect you when a normal mother would have. Sometimes the narcissist's golden child will be encouraged to abuse the scapegoat. Narcissists also abuse by exposing you to violence. If one of your siblings got beaten, she made sure you saw. She effortlessly put the fear of Mom into you, without raising a hand.

15. She's infantile and petty.

 Narcissistic mothers are often simply childish. If you refuse to let her manipulate you into doing something, she will cry that you don't love her because if you loved her you would do as she wanted. If you hurt her feelings she will aggressively whine to you that you'll be sorry when she's dead that you didn't treat her better. These babyish complaints and responses may sound laughable, but the narcissist is dead serious about them. When you were a child, if you ask her to stop some bad behavior, she would justify it by pointing out something that you did that she feels is comparable, as though the childish behavior of a child is justification for the childish behavior of an adult. "Getting even" is a large part of her dealings with you. Anytime you fail to give her the deference, attention or service she feels she deserves, or you thwart her wishes, she has to show you.

16. She's aggressive and shameless. 

She doesn't ask. She demands. She makes outrageous requests and she'll take anything she wants if she thinks she can get away with it. Her demands of her children are posed in a very aggressive way, as are her criticisms. She won't take no for an answer, pushing and arm-twisting and manipulating to get you to give in.

17. She "parentifies."

 She shed her responsibilities to you as soon as she was able, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you could. She denied you medical care, adequate clothing, necessary transportation or basic comforts that she would never have considered giving up for herself. She never gave you a birthday party or let you have sleepovers. Your friends were never welcome in her house. She didn't like to drive you anywhere, so you turned down invitations because you had no way to get there. She wouldn't buy your school pictures even if she could easily have afforded it. You had a niggardly clothing allowance or she bought you the cheapest clothing she could without embarrassing herself. As soon as you got a job, every request for school supplies, clothing or toiletries was met with "Now that you're making money, why don't you pay for that yourself?" You studied up on colleges on your own and choose a cheap one without visiting it. You signed yourself up for the SATs, earned the money to pay for them and talked someone into driving you to the test site. You worked three jobs to pay for that cheap college and when you finally got mononucleosis she chirped at you that she was "so happy you could take care of yourself."

She also gave you tasks that were rightfully hers and should not have been placed on a child. You may have been a primary caregiver for young siblings or an incapacitated parent. You may have had responsibility for excessive household tasks. Above all, you were always her emotional caregiver which is one reason any defection from that role caused such enormous eruptions of rage. You were never allowed to be needy or have bad feelings or problems. Those experiences were only for her, and you were responsible for making it right for her. From the time you were very young she would randomly lash out at you any time she was stressed or angry with your father or felt that life was unfair to her, because it made her feel better to hurt you. You were often punished out of the blue, for manufactured offenses. As you got older she directly placed responsibility for her welfare and her emotions on you, weeping on your shoulder and unloading on you any time something went awry for her.

18. She's exploitative. 

She will manipulate to get work, money, or objects she envies out of other people for nothing. This includes her children, of course. If she set up a bank account for you, she was trustee on the account with the right to withdraw money. As you put money into it, she took it out. She may have stolen your identity. She took you as a dependent on her income taxes so you couldn't file independently without exposing her to criminal penalties. If she made an agreement with you, it was violated the minute it no longer served her needs. If you brought it up demanding she adhere to the agreement, she brushed you off and later punished you so you would know not to defy her again.

Sometimes the narcissist will exploit a child to absorb punishment that would have been hers from an abusive partner. The husband comes home in a drunken rage, and the mother immediately complains about the child's bad behavior so the rage is vented on to the child. Sometimes the narcissistic mother simply uses the child to keep a sick marriage intact because the alternative is being divorced or having to go to work. The child is sexually molested but the mother never notices, or worse, calls the child a liar when she tells the mother about the molestation.

19. She projects.

 This sounds a little like psycho-babble, but it is something that narcissists all do. Projection means that she will put her own bad behavior, character and traits on you so she can deny them in herself and punish you. This can be very difficult to see if you have traits that she can project on to. An eating-disordered woman who obsesses over her daughter's weight is projecting. The daughter may not realize it because she has probably internalized an absurdly thin vision of women's weight and so accepts her mother's projection. When the narcissist tells the daughter that she eats too much, needs to exercise more, or has to wear extra-large size clothes, the daughter believes it, even if it isn't true. However, she will sometimes project even though it makes no sense at all. This happens when she feels shamed and needs to put it on her scapegoat child and the projection therefore comes across as being an attack out of the blue. For example: She makes an outrageous request, and you casually refuse to let her have her way. She's enraged by your refusal and snarls at you that you'll talk about it when you've calmed down and are no longer hysterical.

You aren't hysterical at all; she is, but your refusal has made her feel the shame that should have stopped her from making shameless demands in the first place. That's intolerable. She can transfer that shame to you and rationalize away your response: you only refused her because you're so unreasonable. Having done that she can reassert her shamelessness and indulge her childish willfulness by turning an unequivocal refusal into a subject for further discussion. You'll talk about it again "later" - probably when she's worn you down with histrionics, pouting and the silent treatment so you're more inclined to do what she wants.

20. She is never wrong about anything. 

No matter what she's done, she won't ever genuinely apologize for anything. Instead, any time she feels she is being made to apologize she will sulk and pout, issue an insulting apology or negate the apology she has just made with justifications, qualifications or self pity: "I'm sorry you felt that I humiliated you" "I'm sorry if I made you feel bad" "If I did that it was wrong" "I'm sorry, but I there's nothing I can do about it" "I'm sorry I made you feel clumsy, stupid and disgusting" "I'm sorry but it was just a joke. You're so over-sensitive" "I'm sorry that my own child feels she has to upset me and make me feel bad." The last insulting apology is also an example of projection. 

21. She seems to have no awareness that other people even have feelings. 

She'll occasionally slip and say something callous because of this lack of empathy. It isn't that she doesn't care at all about other people's feelings, though she doesn't. It would simply never occur to her to think about their feelings. An absence of empathy is the defining trait of a narcissist and underlies most of the other traits I have described. Unlike psychopaths, narcissists do understand right, wrong, and consequences, so they are not ordinarily criminal. She beat you, but not to the point where you went to the hospital. She left you standing out in the cold until you were miserable, but not until you had hypothermia. She put you in the basement in the dark with no clothes on, but she only left you there for two hours. 

22. She blames. She'll blame you for everything that isn't right in her life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened. Always, she'll blame you for her abuse. You made her do it. If only you weren't so difficult. You upset her so much that she can't think straight. Things were hard for her and your backtalk pushed her over the brink. This blaming is often so subtle that all you know is that you thought you were wronged and now you feel guilty. Your brother beats you and her response is to bemoan how uncivilized children are. Your boyfriend dumped you, but she can understand - after all, she herself has seen how difficult you are to love. She'll do something egregiously exploitative to you, and when confronted will screech at you that she can't believe you were so selfish as to upset her over such a trivial thing. She'll also blame you for your reaction to her selfish, cruel and exploitative behavior. She can't believe you are so petty, so small, and so childish as to object to her giving your favorite dress to her friend. She thought you would be happy to let her do something nice for someone else.

Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows.
Simultaneously your narcissistic mother is

•  Lying. She knows what she did was wrong and she knows your reaction is reasonable. 
• Manipulating. She's making you look like the bad guy for objecting to her cruelties. 
• Being selfish. She doesn't mind making you feel horrible as long as she gets her own way. 
• Blaming. She did something wrong, but it's all your fault. 
• Projecting. Her petty, small and childish behavior has become yours.
• Putting on a self-pitying drama. She's a martyr who believed the best of you, and you've let her down.
• Parentifying. You're responsible for her feelings, she has no responsibility for yours.

23. She destroys your relationships.

Narcissistic mothers are like tornadoes: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. Unless the father has control over the narcissist and holds the family together, adult siblings in families with narcissistic mothers characteristically have painful relationships. Typically all communication between siblings is superficial and driven by duty, or they may never talk to each other at all. In part, these women foster dissension between their children because they enjoy the control it gives them. If those children don't communicate except through the mother, she can decide what everyone hears. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering in their children's lives. Watching people's lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don't have any empathy for their misery.

The narcissist nurtures anger, contempt and envy - the most corrosive emotions - to drive her children apart. While her children are still living at home, any child who stands up to the narcissist guarantees punishment for the rest. In her zest for revenge, the narcissist purposefully turns the siblings' anger on the dissenter by including everyone in her retaliation. ("I can see that nobody here loves me! Well I'll just take these Christmas presents back to the store. None of you would want anything I got you anyway!") The other children, long trained by the narcissist to give in, are furious with the trouble-making child, instead of with the narcissist who actually deserves their anger.

The narcissist also uses favoritism and gossip to poison her childrens' relationships. The scapegoat sees the mother as a creature of caprice and cruelty. As is typical of the privileged, the other children don't see her unfairness and they excuse her abuses. Indeed, they are often recruited by the narcissist to adopt her contemptuous and entitled attitude towards the scapegoat and with her tacit or explicit permission, will inflict further abuse. The scapegoat predictably responds with fury and equal contempt. After her children move on with adult lives, the narcissist makes sure to keep each apprised of the doings of the others, passing on the most discreditable and juicy gossip (as always, disguised as "concern") about the other children, again, in a way that engenders contempt rather than compassion.

Having been raised by a narcissist, her children are predisposed to be envious, and she takes full advantage of the opportunity that presents. While she may never praise you to your face, she will likely crow about your victories to the very sibling who is not doing well. She'll tell you about the generosity she displayed towards that child, leaving you wondering why you got left out and irrationally angry at the favored child rather than at the narcissist who told you about it.

The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.

24. As a last resort she goes pathetic.

 When she's confronted with unavoidable consequences for her own bad behavior, including your anger, she will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness. It's all her fault. She can't do anything right. She feels so bad. What she doesn't do: own the responsibility for her bad conduct and make it right. Instead, as always, it's all about her, and her helpless self-pitying  dumps the responsibility for her consequences AND for her unhappiness about it on you. As so often with narcissists, it is also a manipulative behavior. If you fail to excuse her bad behavior and make her feel better, YOU are the bad person for being cold, heartless and unfeeling when your poor mother feels so awful. 

Surviving a Narcissistic Mother

Surviving a Narcissistic Mother Do you believe that your opinions and feelings don't matter? Do you believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with you? Do you believe that, no matter how high your achievements or how hard you try, you will never be good enough? Well, join the crowd. You may be one of the millions of people who were raised by a Narcissistic mother. I just discovered that I, too, am among the ranks of this particular group of people, those who had a mother who loved herself far more than she could ever love her children, a mother who crippled and abused her children with her Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissistic Personality disorder, or NPD, (named after the mythological Narcissus, who died gazing at his reflection in a pool of water) is, according to the Mayo Clinic, "a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. They believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings." Though this description sounds like healthy self-esteem run amuck, NPD has little in common with true self-esteem. People with healthy self-esteem love and value themselves as MUCH as they love and value others. In contrast, people with NPD value themselves MORE than they value others-in fact, they put themselves WAY above everyone else-and have no regard at all for the rights and the feelings of others. Though most people have some narcissistic traits, this does not mean that most people have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Rather, NPD is a spectrum disorder, which means that people can have various, and varying, symptoms of the disorder without being clinically diagnosable as an NPD. However, the more of these symptoms (as listed by the Mayo Clinic) the person displays, the more likely he or she is to be a full-blown NPD: Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder *Believing that you're better than others *Fantacizing about power, success, and attractiveness *Exaggerating your achievements or talents *Expecting constant praise and admiration *Believing that you're special *Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings *Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans *Taking advantage of others *Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior *Being jealous of others *Believing that others are jealous of you *Trouble keeping healthy relationships *Setting unrealistic goals *Being easily hurt and rejected *Having a fragile self-esteem *Appearing as tough minded or unemotional By the way, though the Mayo Clinic words this list as though YOU want to know whether or not YOU have NPD, someone with a true Narcissistic Personality Disorder is unlikely to be looking for such information. Rather, they will never seek any kind of psychological help, look for any symptoms of mental/emotional traits that fit themselves, or even read any self-help books, because, in their view...NOTHING is wrong with THEM. The dangers of having a Narcissistic Mother Though my mother had all of those traits, it is not necessary for your mother to have all of them in order to have done similar damage to your psyche. According to Dr. Karyl McBride, author of the book Will I ever be good enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, "mothers with only a few traits listed can negatively affect their daughters in insidious ways." For me, and for most daughters of Narcissistic mothers (whether or not your mother had a full-blown NPD) being raised by such a woman damaged your self-esteem and confidence because: *She never really listened to you *She always turned any discussion of your concerns/problems back to HERSELF *She showed, by words and actions, that your concerns/problems were nowhere NEAR as important or serious as were HERS. *She viciously turned on you if you DARED have any opinions that differed from hers. *She constantly criticized you and very seldom praised you, no matter how hard you tried or how much you actually achieved. This treatment, by a mother, has far-reaching and long-lasting effects on her children, especially her daughters, who try their best to fit into the mold of their mother's expectations. For me, my mother's behavior gave me a serious inferiority complex. In fact, in emotions, thoughts, and behavior, I am the exact OPPOSITE of a Narcissist-which, in its own way, is just as bad as having NPD. For instance, I have very little confidence. Most of the time, in fact, I feel UNWORTHY to breathe the same air as other people. Moreover, I am overly concerned with other's opinions of me (striving for their approval) so much so that I drive myself crazy trying to be what I feel other people want me to be rather than who I truly am. Worse, I have internalized my narcissistic mother. I take her with me everywhere now, this inner voice that criticizes everything that I do, everything that I say, everything that I AM. I can never be good enough to quiet the criticisms of this inner voice, just as nothing I could ever do was good enough to quiet my mother's disapproval. First Step to Healing If you were raised by a narcissistic mother, you can heal some (if not most) of the emotional scars that she carved into your psyche. The first step is to realize that the way she acted toward you had nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with HER. She couldn't help it. Her narcissistic and, not infrequently, cruel behavior stemmed from a deep inner insecurity that she didn't know how to deal with, so she protected herself the only way she knew how-by lashing out at others, demeaning others, and forcing them to agree with her...or else. In this way, she protected her truly fragile ego. As a child, of course, you felt that you could somehow win her love and approval: If you only tried hard enough If you gave her constant attention and approval If you followed her every command If you agreed with her opinions But you couldn't ever win her love and approval because a narcissist HAS to keep you off-balance. The only way that she can maintain her power, and keep her fragile ego intact, is by keeping you hopping, wondering how to please her so that you can feel safe for awhile. Thus, her behavior toward you is totally unpredictable. One minute, she is taking you out to dinner for some celebration, the next minute she is bemoaning the fact that she didn't have an abortion the year that they became legal (which just HAPPENED to be the year that you were born.) One minute she is laughing at your joke, the next minute she is berating you for your obnoxious behavior. One minute she is slapping your face over your "disrespect" toward her, the next she is fawning over you at the local store, telling everyone how proud she is of her daughter. It never ends. But her power over your emotions CAN end. Now that you are an adult, your job is to analyze how your mother emotionally tortured and manipulated you, and WHY, and realize that you were not responsible for any of it. It wasn't you. It was HER. You are fine just the way you are, you ARE good enough, and nobody (and nothing) will ever shame you again. Especially not your narcissistic mother.

Things Narcissistic Mothers and Narcissist's Say

Things Narcissist Say

Below is a list of things a narcissist might say to anyone - Friends, Family or even their own Children.

"After all the money I have lent you"

To change the subject of the argument, this is to make you feel guilty and put the ball back in their court. How can you argue with this wonderful person who lends you money. When in this situation, remember what the original argument was about and do not get side tracked from it. Say "No, you're going off the point now, I'm talking about...."

"After everything I have done for you"

Again, if the narcissist feels like they are losing the argument they will change the subject to a time when you needed them... "After all I have done for you, when you needed a place to stay, when you needed a lift, when you needed that favour" This will be completely off the subject but if you let them you will end up arguing about it and ultimately apologising for your disrespectful behaviour.

"You don't RESPECT me"

This is a very common one, narcissist's think they deserve respect regardless to how they behave. If you answer them back, If you don't do as your told, If you look at them the wrong way, If you are disrespectful! A narcissist will even start an argument and when you try and defend yourself they will always throw in the 'RESPECT' card. Just remember, nobody can demand respect, respect has to be earned!

"You never say thank you / They never say thank you"

Chances are you say thank you all the time, more so than most people. The thing is narcissist's expect recognition for everything they do, and I mean everything. Don't think for one minute that they are doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. You had better say "Thank You" - or else!

"You will regret doing/saying that one day"

Another guilt trip, you probably didn't say anything bad at all. Just remember though, unless they are talking about murder, bank robbery or drinking a bottle of vodka a day, chances are you WON'T regret doing it one day.

"You will be sorry once I am gone"

This is an awful guilt trip, often used on siblings to get in the final word. If the narcissist is losing the argument or feels like they are backed into a corner (usually from their own doing) they will go to any length to get out of it. Reminding you of the fact that one day they will die and you will remember all the horrible things you did to them. These tactics are often used on young siblings, that is when they have the most impact and are the most upsetting. I mean why would any normal person want to say that to a 13 year old!

"Stop being so serious / You can't take a joke"

Usually when a narcissist has insulted you and you have taken offence, NO it really wasn't meant as a joke, it was meant to hurt your feelings, but when you get upset about it you can't take a joke. It is actually narcissist's who can't take a joke. When it happens, bite your tongue, do not give them the satisfaction of letting them know you are bothered. After all, an argument is what they are really after!

"What will people say? / What will people think?"

Most narcissist's are obsessed with the image they portray of themselves and their family to other people. As a narcissist's child you had better watch what you say or do that could tarnish that image! This is called 'False Self'. The real narcissist (how you know them), and the 'False Self' (how everyone else knows them). Because everyone thinks this person is kind, loving and caring and takes such good care of their children whenever you try to say otherwise nobody believes you!

"You can't do that... You can't wear that... Because I said so... That's why"

Narcissist's are very controlling. Whenever questioned as to why you can't do what they are telling you you can't do, you will get answers like "Because I said so", "That's Why","Because I'm the Mother!" Normal people will give reasons why they are not allowing you to do something, but when the reason is to enforce power or be awkward, these are the answers you can get. Try using reverse psychology, if you want to wear the red coat, say you want to wear the white one. If you want them to visit on Saturday say, "you can come round any day except Saturday" chances are on Saturday they will be knocking on your door.

"This is my house"

This is simply showing you who is boss! You might be their child, and live in the house but let's make it clear, this is not your house. "Do you pay the mortgage, the bills, the phone bill, TV licence, Council tax? NO! So this is my house, when you do you can call it your house!" But mum, I'm only 11 years old.

"They're just jealous"

Narcissist's are very jealous people, they are jealous of people who are better looking, people with more money, better car, better house. So in turn they think everyone else is like them... Not true, most people couldn't care less and are happy for other peoples hard work or good fortune. They certainly aren't jealous of that overpriced £800 ring you just purchased from the jewellery channel.

"Have you seen what he/she is wearing"

Picking fault with other people is a good way to make the narcissist feel better about themselves, snide remarks about peoples clothes, makeup, weight etc... Chances are you're no oil painting yourself you know!

"I've got a headache too, I had a terrible night too, I've got a sore throat too"

You can never be ill when a narcissist is around, they will always be far worse. If you have a cold, they have the flu, you have a headache, they have a migraine, you have a sore throat, they have tonsillitis. God only knows what would happen if you chopped your arm off!

"Have you seen how dirty their house is"

Chances are the narcissist's house will be spotless, not a spec of dirt anywhere, show home standard. They probably even have a cleaning day, yes that's right a whole day where they will clean their house from top to bottom every week. How can you compete with that, no wonder your house isn't up to scratch. But come on, would you really want to be that sad!

"I love you, but I don't like you right now"

This is a narcissist's way of saying "you have got some making up to do", you had better be on your best behaviour and not be disrespectful, and don't forget that all important apology. Maybe in a week or so the house will get back to normal, well until the next tantrum anyway!

"I love you more than you could know / I love you so much"

"What?" I hear you say, "Do narcissist's really say those words", well yes of cause they do... When they are lying or drunk! A narcissist will often mimic other peoples emotions, love is one of them, as they do not feel love it would most certainly be a lie, so these words are very difficult for them to say. They do come out a lot easier when they have had a few sherbets though.

"It's not as good / nice / tasty / expensive as mine"

That new ring you have purchased, painting in the sitting room, Sunday dinner you have slaved over all morning... "Yes it was lovely, but I prefer the one I did a few weeks ago" Wow, look at that, a compliment and insult in the same sentence!

"Have you seen my new coat / ring / dress... It cost this much!"

We all know these people "Do you like my new dress for so and so's wedding, It was £500 you know, I had the personal shopper at the store help me pick it out". Narcissist's think as they think, that you will be jealous and envious of them, the truth is no one likes a bragger, to get right up their nose say something like "oh yes that's lovely, but I don't think that colour suits your skin tone".

"I have just paid for that for you / bought you your dinner"

Narcissist's will always throw situations where they paid for something back in your face, and they NEVER forget. A dinner date, birthday lunch, some food shopping because you are short that month. The truth is they don't do it to be kind as any parent would, they do it because it gives them ammunition for the next argument. My advise is NEVER, EVER lend or accept money as a gift from a narcissist, they will always have a hold on you and will ALWAYS use it against you in future disputes!

"They are just copying off me"

Narcissist's can be very petty and they really do think that people copy off them. The new dress the lady down the street was wearing is the same as theirs... They must have copied. Or maybe they just went into the same store!

"Just say if you don't want me to visit, I won't mind"

This is a good way for the narcissist to reinforce the fact that they are invited to your home. The truth is, they will mind, they will mind a lot. Think very carefully before you say "I am very busy, I would prefer it if you came round tomorrow" This will not go down well and could result in a weeks worth of sulking!

"I'm not inviting them... they aren't family!"

This for me was always one I could never understand, a close niece, or a 'special' friend of the narcissist's for some reason might be alone on Christmas day or any other special occasion could just be cast aside and not invited because it's 'Family Only'. Just goes to show the narcissist has no empathy for others, even the people most close to them!

"I don't deserve this / I don't need this right now"

Chances are the narcissist has sparked up yet another petty argument, when you retaliate they turn it round by saying "I don't deserve this" etc.. This is just another tactic to make you feel guilty and apologise yet again for something you haven't done.

"Don't speak to me like that"

Generally this is because you have retaliated to something they said to you first, well it works both ways. Don't speak to me like that and I won't speak to you like that back!

"It's not what you say, it's the tone of your voice"

This is a form of projection, it is actually narcissist's that use voice tone to change the way things were said, they can make something you said sound as horrible as they want by changing the tone of their voice. This can be very frustrating when they are telling on you to your enabling father, making it sound 20 times worse than it really was. Oh here we go again, looks like I'm going to owe her another apology!

"She is not just my friend, she's my special friend, we're more like sisters"

Narcissist's will only have a few friends, or maybe only one, but that friend will be a special friend, one that is like a sister. That way the narcissist can make her friend more important than yours. "Oh so and so might be your friend but bla bla is a special friend" Ultimately making your friend seem less important than hers.

"Oh I can't remember, it was a long time ago / I've had a few sleeps since then"

Narcissist's are like elephants, they NEVER forget. So to be told "I can't remember" will be an out and out lie. Chances are you have asked them for their advise and as they will get nothing in return they are not willing to tell you or you have brought up something from the past that touches a nerve, it is easier for them to tell you they have forgotten than to have to explain their actions.

"They aren't really ill, they are just putting it on"

Narcissist's will never have sympathy for anyone, they just don't have them emotions. Anyone who is ill, and has a day off work will be faking. When the shoe is on the other foot though the narcissist wants all the sympathy in the world. If you want to stay in their good books you had better ask them how they are doing, maybe a get well soon card will help!

"It's not my fault"

Narcissist's will never admit anything was their fault, even when they are backed into a corner they will say something like "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but it wasn't meant to come across like that, it's not my fault, your just over-sensitive". The truth is, it probably was their fault, the easiest thing and the thing that will bother them the most is if you do not react, the reaction is what they are after.

"I swear on your life that's how it happened"

This is generally a way of reinforcing a lie, most normal people would never swear on their children's lives if something is not true, if at all. Not a narcissist though, swearing on peoples lives is the ultimate way to say "see, what I told you is true, it has to be I swore on your lives" This to me is a very disturbing act!

"I think you have made that up"

Ultimately this is the same as calling you a liar to your face. It is very annoying when someone tells you you are making something up when it is true, if you were a narcissist you would just swear on someone's life, but as you don't have that luxury you spend countless hours trying to explain why what you are saying is true. narcissist's are by nature lairs, really good ones at that, but by projecting this onto you they are making you sound like the unstable one for making up stories!

"You have got such a good imagination / stop exaggerating"

Again something narcissist's are very good at is making you sound crazy, narcissist's can twist things into something they are not and make you believe it is all in your mind. This is called 'gaslighting' and can be very damaging and destructive abuse.

"I can't remember doing/saying that"

Narcissist's are very good at not facing up to something that was their fault, once confronted it can be very frustrating when they deny all knowledge it ever happened. Just remember, they remembered the £20 worth of shopping they bought you last year so chances are they remember saying that!

"I'm never wrong"

Come on, no one is 'Never Wrong', that saying just speaks for itself!

"What are you getting upset for"

The narcissist has just insulted you yet again with some snide remark, narcissist's are emotional vampires and will try to upset you every chance they get. By asking you "What are you getting upset for" they are making the matter trivial, which it probably isn't.

"Act your age"

This is another form of projection, usually it is the narcissist that is immature but by telling you to act your age it 'projects' it onto you. They will have you thinking 'how did they turn that on to me', very clever I know!

You are free to use this article on your own website or blog providing you do not alter the text and add a link to this page. www.behindcloseddoors.me

Behind Closed Doors.me
A site for adult children who have mothers with narcissistic personality disorder
http://www.behindcloseddoors.me

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Joanne_O'Sullivan

Things Narcissistic Mothers and Narcissist's Say
By Joanne O'Sullivan

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Things Narcissist Say

Below is a list of things a narcissist might say to anyone - Friends, Family or even their own Children.

"After all the money I have lent you"

To change the subject of the argument, this is to make you feel guilty and put the ball back in their court. How can you argue with this wonderful person who lends you money. When in this situation, remember what the original argument was about and do not get side tracked from it. Say "No, you're going off the point now, I'm talking about...."

"After everything I have done for you"

Again, if the narcissist feels like they are losing the argument they will change the subject to a time when you needed them... "After all I have done for you, when you needed a place to stay, when you needed a lift, when you needed that favour" This will be completely off the subject but if you let them you will end up arguing about it and ultimately apologising for your disrespectful behaviour.

"You don't RESPECT me"

This is a very common one, narcissist's think they deserve respect regardless to how they behave. If you answer them back, If you don't do as your told, If you look at them the wrong way, If you are disrespectful! A narcissist will even start an argument and when you try and defend yourself they will always throw in the 'RESPECT' card. Just remember, nobody can demand respect, respect has to be earned!

"You never say thank you / They never say thank you"

Chances are you say thank you all the time, more so than most people. The thing is narcissist's expect recognition for everything they do, and I mean everything. Don't think for one minute that they are doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. You had better say "Thank You" - or else!

"You will regret doing/saying that one day"

Another guilt trip, you probably didn't say anything bad at all. Just remember though, unless they are talking about murder, bank robbery or drinking a bottle of vodka a day, chances are you WON'T regret doing it one day.

"You will be sorry once I am gone"

This is an awful guilt trip, often used on siblings to get in the final word. If the narcissist is losing the argument or feels like they are backed into a corner (usually from their own doing) they will go to any length to get out of it. Reminding you of the fact that one day they will die and you will remember all the horrible things you did to them. These tactics are often used on young siblings, that is when they have the most impact and are the most upsetting. I mean why would any normal person want to say that to a 13 year old!

"Stop being so serious / You can't take a joke"

Usually when a narcissist has insulted you and you have taken offence, NO it really wasn't meant as a joke, it was meant to hurt your feelings, but when you get upset about it you can't take a joke. It is actually narcissist's who can't take a joke. When it happens, bite your tongue, do not give them the satisfaction of letting them know you are bothered. After all, an argument is what they are really after!

"What will people say? / What will people think?"

Most narcissist's are obsessed with the image they portray of themselves and their family to other people. As a narcissist's child you had better watch what you say or do that could tarnish that image! This is called 'False Self'. The real narcissist (how you know them), and the 'False Self' (how everyone else knows them). Because everyone thinks this person is kind, loving and caring and takes such good care of their children whenever you try to say otherwise nobody believes you!

"You can't do that... You can't wear that... Because I said so... That's why"

Narcissist's are very controlling. Whenever questioned as to why you can't do what they are telling you you can't do, you will get answers like "Because I said so", "That's Why","Because I'm the Mother!" Normal people will give reasons why they are not allowing you to do something, but when the reason is to enforce power or be awkward, these are the answers you can get. Try using reverse psychology, if you want to wear the red coat, say you want to wear the white one. If you want them to visit on Saturday say, "you can come round any day except Saturday" chances are on Saturday they will be knocking on your door.

"This is my house"

This is simply showing you who is boss! You might be their child, and live in the house but let's make it clear, this is not your house. "Do you pay the mortgage, the bills, the phone bill, TV licence, Council tax? NO! So this is my house, when you do you can call it your house!" But mum, I'm only 11 years old.

"They're just jealous"

Narcissist's are very jealous people, they are jealous of people who are better looking, people with more money, better car, better house. So in turn they think everyone else is like them... Not true, most people couldn't care less and are happy for other peoples hard work or good fortune. They certainly aren't jealous of that overpriced £800 ring you just purchased from the jewellery channel.

"Have you seen what he/she is wearing"

Picking fault with other people is a good way to make the narcissist feel better about themselves, snide remarks about peoples clothes, makeup, weight etc... Chances are you're no oil painting yourself you know!

"I've got a headache too, I had a terrible night too, I've got a sore throat too"

You can never be ill when a narcissist is around, they will always be far worse. If you have a cold, they have the flu, you have a headache, they have a migraine, you have a sore throat, they have tonsillitis. God only knows what would happen if you chopped your arm off!

"Have you seen how dirty their house is"

Chances are the narcissist's house will be spotless, not a spec of dirt anywhere, show home standard. They probably even have a cleaning day, yes that's right a whole day where they will clean their house from top to bottom every week. How can you compete with that, no wonder your house isn't up to scratch. But come on, would you really want to be that sad!

"I love you, but I don't like you right now"

This is a narcissist's way of saying "you have got some making up to do", you had better be on your best behaviour and not be disrespectful, and don't forget that all important apology. Maybe in a week or so the house will get back to normal, well until the next tantrum anyway!

"I love you more than you could know / I love you so much"

"What?" I hear you say, "Do narcissist's really say those words", well yes of cause they do... When they are lying or drunk! A narcissist will often mimic other peoples emotions, love is one of them, as they do not feel love it would most certainly be a lie, so these words are very difficult for them to say. They do come out a lot easier when they have had a few sherbets though.

"It's not as good / nice / tasty / expensive as mine"

That new ring you have purchased, painting in the sitting room, Sunday dinner you have slaved over all morning... "Yes it was lovely, but I prefer the one I did a few weeks ago" Wow, look at that, a compliment and insult in the same sentence!

"Have you seen my new coat / ring / dress... It cost this much!"

We all know these people "Do you like my new dress for so and so's wedding, It was £500 you know, I had the personal shopper at the store help me pick it out". Narcissist's think as they think, that you will be jealous and envious of them, the truth is no one likes a bragger, to get right up their nose say something like "oh yes that's lovely, but I don't think that colour suits your skin tone".

"I have just paid for that for you / bought you your dinner"

Narcissist's will always throw situations where they paid for something back in your face, and they NEVER forget. A dinner date, birthday lunch, some food shopping because you are short that month. The truth is they don't do it to be kind as any parent would, they do it because it gives them ammunition for the next argument. My advise is NEVER, EVER lend or accept money as a gift from a narcissist, they will always have a hold on you and will ALWAYS use it against you in future disputes!

"They are just copying off me"

Narcissist's can be very petty and they really do think that people copy off them. The new dress the lady down the street was wearing is the same as theirs... They must have copied. Or maybe they just went into the same store!

"Just say if you don't want me to visit, I won't mind"

This is a good way for the narcissist to reinforce the fact that they are invited to your home. The truth is, they will mind, they will mind a lot. Think very carefully before you say "I am very busy, I would prefer it if you came round tomorrow" This will not go down well and could result in a weeks worth of sulking!

"I'm not inviting them... they aren't family!"

This for me was always one I could never understand, a close niece, or a 'special' friend of the narcissist's for some reason might be alone on Christmas day or any other special occasion could just be cast aside and not invited because it's 'Family Only'. Just goes to show the narcissist has no empathy for others, even the people most close to them!

"I don't deserve this / I don't need this right now"

Chances are the narcissist has sparked up yet another petty argument, when you retaliate they turn it round by saying "I don't deserve this" etc.. This is just another tactic to make you feel guilty and apologise yet again for something you haven't done.

"Don't speak to me like that"

Generally this is because you have retaliated to something they said to you first, well it works both ways. Don't speak to me like that and I won't speak to you like that back!

"It's not what you say, it's the tone of your voice"

This is a form of projection, it is actually narcissist's that use voice tone to change the way things were said, they can make something you said sound as horrible as they want by changing the tone of their voice. This can be very frustrating when they are telling on you to your enabling father, making it sound 20 times worse than it really was. Oh here we go again, looks like I'm going to owe her another apology!

"She is not just my friend, she's my special friend, we're more like sisters"

Narcissist's will only have a few friends, or maybe only one, but that friend will be a special friend, one that is like a sister. That way the narcissist can make her friend more important than yours. "Oh so and so might be your friend but bla bla is a special friend" Ultimately making your friend seem less important than hers.

"Oh I can't remember, it was a long time ago / I've had a few sleeps since then"

Narcissist's are like elephants, they NEVER forget. So to be told "I can't remember" will be an out and out lie. Chances are you have asked them for their advise and as they will get nothing in return they are not willing to tell you or you have brought up something from the past that touches a nerve, it is easier for them to tell you they have forgotten than to have to explain their actions.

"They aren't really ill, they are just putting it on"

Narcissist's will never have sympathy for anyone, they just don't have them emotions. Anyone who is ill, and has a day off work will be faking. When the shoe is on the other foot though the narcissist wants all the sympathy in the world. If you want to stay in their good books you had better ask them how they are doing, maybe a get well soon card will help!

"It's not my fault"

Narcissist's will never admit anything was their fault, even when they are backed into a corner they will say something like "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but it wasn't meant to come across like that, it's not my fault, your just over-sensitive". The truth is, it probably was their fault, the easiest thing and the thing that will bother them the most is if you do not react, the reaction is what they are after.

"I swear on your life that's how it happened"

This is generally a way of reinforcing a lie, most normal people would never swear on their children's lives if something is not true, if at all. Not a narcissist though, swearing on peoples lives is the ultimate way to say "see, what I told you is true, it has to be I swore on your lives" This to me is a very disturbing act!

"I think you have made that up"

Ultimately this is the same as calling you a liar to your face. It is very annoying when someone tells you you are making something up when it is true, if you were a narcissist you would just swear on someone's life, but as you don't have that luxury you spend countless hours trying to explain why what you are saying is true. narcissist's are by nature lairs, really good ones at that, but by projecting this onto you they are making you sound like the unstable one for making up stories!

"You have got such a good imagination / stop exaggerating"

Again something narcissist's are very good at is making you sound crazy, narcissist's can twist things into something they are not and make you believe it is all in your mind. This is called 'gaslighting' and can be very damaging and destructive abuse.

"I can't remember doing/saying that"

Narcissist's are very good at not facing up to something that was their fault, once confronted it can be very frustrating when they deny all knowledge it ever happened. Just remember, they remembered the £20 worth of shopping they bought you last year so chances are they remember saying that!

"I'm never wrong"

Come on, no one is 'Never Wrong', that saying just speaks for itself!

"What are you getting upset for"

The narcissist has just insulted you yet again with some snide remark, narcissist's are emotional vampires and will try to upset you every chance they get. By asking you "What are you getting upset for" they are making the matter trivial, which it probably isn't.

"Act your age"

This is another form of projection, usually it is the narcissist that is immature but by telling you to act your age it 'projects' it onto you. They will have you thinking 'how did they turn that on to me', very clever I know!

How to Deal with a Narcissist in Your Life

First of all, a narcissist is someone who is completely self centered. That doesn't mean they are selfish, they can want good things for other people. But they view the entire world relationally, as in what everything means for them. What can be done for them is always the first question on their mind. So the first thing you should know is that difficult and narcissistic people aren't evil and they aren't out to get you. In their mind, they simply come first and they don't have the normal ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes. So try not to develop any kind of hatred toward them. The first step you need to take is to detach and relax.

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Second, do some research. There are a lot of helpful books out there that can really teach you a thing or two about how to deal with difficult people. You aren't the first person to be in this situation, so do some research and find out what worked for other people.

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Whatever you do, don't try to change that narcissistic or difficult person. You may as well be banging your head against a wall. Instead, focus your energy on how you will deal with that person being in your life. They won't change, so you have to learn to accomodate.

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Next, know that a person can only lean on you as long as you are standing there. My husband and I once had a very needy neighbor who always wanted to come over and do everything with us. We had to learn to simply shut him out, and that it was okay for him to be angry with us. If a person is sucking the life out of you, don't let them in! You may lose them altogether, but that might be just what you need.

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But what if that person is someone you will definitely be around for the rest of your life? What if you can't shut them out entirely, or don't want to? A family member, perhaps? Again, you have to learn to detach from that person's feelings. Teach yourself not to feel responsible for what they feel. A person who is narcissistic tends to be upset very often because they feel as though they aren't getting enough. The truth is, even if you gave them everything that they say they want in a relationship, they would still find reasons to be unhappy. So learn to accept what they are feeling and then just let it go. You don't have to experience their ups and downs with them.

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Make your holiday plans first, then tell them about those plans. Planning special occasions with a difficult person in your family or social circle is never easy. If you give them an inch, they will take a mile. So you have to decide what you are going to do first, then tell them. If they don't like it they will not be included. They will learn to accept this method when they realize that they cannot manipulate the way you make plans anymore.

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Never feel guilty. A narcissistic person will want you to feel like you are never quite doing "good" enough. You simply have to block that out and decide not to care about their opinions of how you are doing.

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Never listen to what a narcissistic person tells you about other people. Remember, they only see the world in relation to themselves, so they can often start gossip or family fights by talking to different members of the family about what they perceive to be true based on how they feel at the time. You must learn to take them with a grain of salt when they are discussing other people with you. You MUST stay in good touch with your other family members, otherwise the narcissist will see the opportunity to create drama and get attention from that drama.

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Vent, but not too much. You want to get your frustration out about that difficult person. Don't be a master of the slow burn. If you're annoyed, get it out of your system. But beware, there is usually a list a mile long to discuss when you have a narcissist in your life. If you talk about them too much, they might as well be around. Don't let them become the center of your life by letting them be the center of your thoughts and conversations.

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Try therapy. If things are really tough, you could try to get that narcissist into therapy, but this often causes more trouble than it is worth for you. So you may want to consider talking to someone about how you should be dealing with this problem. Therapy always offers some good insight and there is nothing to be ashamed of, if you are at the end of your rope...go talk to a professional. Chances are they have dealt with this very same issue many times before.

Tips & Warnings
Find someone in your life who has been through what you are going through with a narcissist or a difficult person. Personal insight is always better than "How To" tips from strangers. :)

Narcissist Mothers Wants to Ruin Whatever You Love

I've been meaning to write about the jealousy of a narcissistic mother, but couldn't figure out how to write it without sounding ... weird.

I mean, what sort of person writes about a jealous person?

Aren't the narcissists the ones who think the world wants to be like them?

After much thought, I think that, no, narcissists aren't thinking so much the world wants to be like them .... Rather, a narcissist wants to the world to be like her. There's a difference. And if you happen to be unlike them and have the misfortune of being related to them, you will pay dearly.

An N mother wants to ruin whatever makes you happy. They do not want you to be happy unless they are the supreme cause of your happiness and, even then, they would only allow you to be that happy because it implies that they have made you happy. Nothing and no one else must make you happy. Why? Because that means they don't own your feelings. And it means that you have a life outside them. And, worst of all, it means that they are not the almighty ones who dish out happiness to their poor subjects.

So, if you have, say, a life outside the narcissist, she will try to obliterate everything else in your life that brings you joy or peace or a sense of worth. Not because they will want to bring you joy or peace or a sense of worth---hell, no, they don't want to waste time with the likes of you----but just because they cannot bear for anyone to be happy without them.

They will whisper rumors about it.
A nice job? They will piss on it.
Good friends? They will badmouth them.

Whatever you have is what they will destroy because they cannot bear to think that a child that they have borne has the audacity to actually be a separate human being.

 And the penalty for being a separate human being is that a narcissist mother will do everything possible to destroy that feeling of separation and do their worst to keep you, not as a person in their life, but a prop to use, a pet to adore them, a sidekick to make them look good.


Here's just a quick list of what I value that my narcissist mother sought to claim or destroy in my life: (I won't list the obvious, which, of course, is my entire being. As all ACoNs know, that is not an exaggeration. A malignant narcissist mother's entire goal is the destruction of her child's personality.)

She just is a horrible, horrible shrew.

My mother hates all my friends. She never liked the ones I had  and pretty much sabotaged all my chances of hanging out with friends then.

As an adult, I was told repeatedly by her that I was a loner and had no friends. She'd say, "this is why you have no friends. People think you're cold and distant and judgmental. You're a snob." The fact that I actually had some awesome friends seemed to completely skip her.

She couldn't bear that I have friends, and she always bitched and moaned about mine, even though she didn't know them.

my job: When I didn't work and was a full stay-at-home, my mother always mourned the fact that my college degree was wasted, and she told me how I would be unfulfilled as a person. I found a job that I love, and she told me that it was a shame that I had to work.

She is always stressed out, pissed, and a wreck about her job and never wanted to be what she is. I actually work exactly as what I always wanted to be, even as a child, and she hates that. She hates me for liking what I do.

Despite the confessional-style, rambling prose of this blog, I hope you believe me when I say that I write well, and I write for a living. It's a natural talent that needed years and years of work. You don't just suddenly know how to write. I've spent my entire life working on this craft, and I'm still learning.

But my mom always took credit for it. You're a writer because I'm a writer. I always wanted to be a writer. My mother wrote as a teenager. In my entire life, I never saw her write one line of fiction, be it a poem or story, or nonfiction, neither an article or report or op-ed piece. And yet, she always took credit for my writing.

It's so strange and sick how a narcissist can really work everything you love, people, things, etc. to hurt you.

When we were little, my sister and I were so close. But my mom played us against one another. She always told her to be like me, and she told me to tell her what to do.

I love to make stuff. And I've always made stuff for my friends. I never made anything for my mom because I felt like she would be dismissive. However, this past year, she stepped up her demands and pleas for something, so I made her several paintings and crafts. At her request. Everything ended up in the attic.

I'd consider myself a good friend, and she'd remind me of the unhealthy friends that I dumped because of their narcissistic behavior and make me feel like shit.

It's all so ridiculous, isn't it?

 I'm a creative person, a writer, with a happy life. Nothing is easy. I'm broke. I struggle a lot. But my mom could just never let me be. She wasn't happy enough fucking up my childhood ... She wanted to fuck up the rest of my life, too.

It just doesn't make sense. I've written this all down to "process it". I need to write it down to process it. To remind myself that I've not hallucinated all this crazy, crazy shit. My friend asked me the other day, "But I just don't understand why she would be like that. I believe you completely. Absolutely one-hundred percent. But I'm trying to wrap my mind around why someone would treat their child like this, anyone like this."

How to win an argument with a Narcissistic Wife

You are going to get into it with your significant other every so often. It’s no fun for either party, but as a woman, I’m willing to concede that it’s even less fun for men. Why? Because women can express their emotions like it’s nobody’s business. And guys? Not so much.

And since we already have the upper hand, I thought it only fair to share a few tricks to help you emerge victorious from battle… or at least with fewer scars than usual.

Don’t Tell Her To “Relax”
There is nothing more inflammatory than the r-word. Especially when it’s flippantly thrown in the face of a woman who is already on her last good nerve. And since it’s impossible to rationally discuss an issue with a red-eyed, fire-breathing dragon (which is pretty much what I turn into whenever a guy says that word to me), I urge you to avoid this expression and any variation of it -- settle down, take it easy, etc. -- at all costs.

Talk In The First Person
Instead of saying something like, “You don’t appreciate me,” try, “I feel like I’m not being heard when …” or “I don’t feel appreciated when …” It may seem like a small thing, but sentences that start with “I” sound much less accusatory than ones that start with “you.” And when your girlfriend doesn’t feel like she’s being verbally attacked, she’ll be more open to hearing what you have to say. And that may even lead to her apologizing. Maybe.

Leave Your Friends’ Opinions Out Of It
Every woman’s greatest fear in life, aside from dating an axe murderer and the possibility that her daily non-fat latte actually contains lard, is getting stuck with the “crazy” label. So even if all of your buddies think that she’s being totally ridiculous for expecting you to do something like text her while you’re hanging out with them, she doesn’t need to know they think she’s nuts. A) They’re your friends, so of course they’re going to have your back. B) Telling her will only make her feel awkward around the friends you name the next time she sees them. And C) It’s guaranteed to drag your argument into overtime -- and that severely damages your chances of coming out on top.

Don’t Make Empty Threats
The United States of America does not respond kindly to threats, and neither does your girlfriend. So if you give her an ultimatum -- “Unfriend your ex and quit following him on Twitter or we’re so done” --  you better be prepared to follow through. Women are nasty mental ninjas who will call your bluff, which will either force you to follow through and leave, or back down with your balls in hand.

Fib If You Need To
File this tip away, because if you don’t need it soon, you’ll definitely find use for it down the road. When a woman gives you the stink-eye and hisses, “You don’t even know what you did, do you?” Lie. Nod your head, and ask her if she wants to talk about it, or if she needs time to cool off. It’s like those “Need a moment?” Twix commercials -- she’ll be so caught off guard by your response that she’ll falter, giving you a few precious seconds to rack your brain, identify your offense, and get a stronger game plan in order.

Winning an Argument Doesn’t Mean You Communicate Well

Arguing is an important aspect of a relationship. It helps clear the air, establish boundaries and teaches one another about important points of view. Arguing also helps you understand where your partner feels vulnerable, as well as “hot buttons” for them. The longer happily married couples are together, the less they push those hot buttons. They understand those buttons won’t budge, and when they push them, “holy hell” can break out. In fact, when I do counsel older couples who are pushing each other’s hot buttons, they are usually doing it on purpose because they aren't getting their needs met and are angry with one another.

Arguing to win at all cost rather than trying to understand is at the heart of most relationship problems I see.

They tell me they have a controlling partner, someone who cannot talk to them without arguing, or that they don’t talk anymore as a couple. If you don’t communicate verbally, it isn’t long before one of the partners starts withdrawing physically, and once this happens, the marriage is in trouble.

Healthy communication requires patience, understanding and listening. When a marriage is stressed, those three aspects are ignored and instead you get lecturing, yelling, and shutting down. People who believe they are great communicators often are great at only winning the argument. Here are five suggestions to use in your marriage today to help you get healthy communication back into your marriage.

• Talking louder never helps. When you are talking to your partner, make a conscious effort to lower your voice.
• Try saying one sentence to your partner’s three. This one simple tactic will help you listen more than you talk. There will be more space in the conversation, which will mean more time to think before talking.
• Most problems are a process. Don’t be in a rush to solve or get to the bottom of anything. The longer you are married the more you will understand that thinking there is a bottom to anything is magical thinking.
• When you are communicating well, make note of it aloud and tell your partner how much you enjoyed the conversation. Both men and women need to be appreciated by their partner.
• Little ears hear more than big ears and they understand less. Talking softly and listening more will help your children feel less stress, anxiety, and more secure.
• It’s interesting; communication is the first thing I listen to when I meet a new couple, yet many of us don’t think about our communication style until we can no longer communicate with our partner.  Changing your communication style is the quickest way to tighten up your marriage. You don’t need a therapist for this, just a quiet time with your partner to listen, and softly tell them you want to improve your marital communication. As with all issues, changing yourself first is the best way to get the ball rolling.

How to Cope With Difficult Parents – For Adult Children

Learning the best way to cope with difficult parents will help you find peace and happiness. These tips are for adult children who want to move past their unhappy childhoods. Before the tips, a quip: “Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy,” said Robert A. Heinlein. Easy childhoods can set you up to falter in adulthood because you haven’t learned the necessary life skills. But, having difficult parents can certainly set you back, too! Three ways to move past an unhappy childhood… Note that these coping tips are more psychological than practical. Adult children of difficult parents need to know how to build good relationships with them anyway – even if we have a mother-in-law who doesn’t accept us – or we suffer the consequences. I know firsthand what it’s like to cope with a difficult parents. I've learned to love my mother, who has struggled with dysthymia for most of my life (which made for a very unhappy childhood for me). If you’re the adult child of an alcoholic, mentally ill, or toxic parent – these suggestions may help you connect with them and and help you move past your own unhappy childhood. Remember: even the most unorthodox childhood can be a springboard to success – depending on your attitude and perspective! Become Aware of Your Feelings “When we’re not aware of what we’re feeling, the feeling becomes the master,” writes Sue Patton Thoele in The Courage to be Yourself. “A repressed or suppressed emotion builds up power until it’s impossible to contain and, as a result, erupts destructively.” Take resentment, for instance. Maybe you feel rejected because your mother smothers you or keeps “lending” thousands of dollars to your brother. Maybe your mom nags you to lose weight, get married, clean your house, or get your hair out of your eyes (oh, to have a normal mother!). Avoiding your feelings of anger or resentment does pay off – otherwise you wouldn’t do it. Avoiding your feelings is easier, less painful, and requires less energy — in the short run. In the long run, however, swallowing your feelings about your unhappy childhood or difficult parents can lead to anxiety, depression, physical illnesses, and unhealthy relationships. Violent eruptions become more likely, such as emotional meltdowns over computer glitches and screaming fits over lost keys. If you’re coping with difficult parents as an adult child, you need to find healthy ways to express your feelings. Are you stuck in your unhappy childhood? Learn how to break free from the past. Accept Your Feelings Knowing and accepting your feelings brings freedom and a stronger connection with difficult parents. As an adult child, simply saying out loud, “It aggravates me when mom tells me how to discipline my kids!” can be liberating. Resisting your feelings makes them stronger; accepting your feelings makes them manageable. Talk about difficult parents: when I was in high school my mother regularly visited me at lunch – she had long scraggly hair and wore dirty, baggy street-person clothes. I fought my humiliation and embarrassment for years and those feelings grew, just like compound interest. When I couldn’t swallow my pain anymore (it was leaking out in self-destructive ways), I finally let myself simply feel my despair. And it was bad, but then the feelings became less strong. Now, it’s easier to connect with my difficult mom because… It is what it is. Practice Forgiveness Oprah recently said that forgiveness is releasing the hope that things could have been different. True forgiveness is realizing the gift in a bad childhood – and learning from it. Every experience you’ve had makes you who you are and makes you more yourself. Your unique personality and spirit wouldn’t be yours if you had different parents or siblings – even if you got a bad deal. Coping with difficult parents is easier when you accept and let go of the past. Sometimes that means letting go of someone you love. Forgiveness is easier when you accept that your parents did the best they could. For more family help, Dysfunctional Families – 5 Tips for Solving Family Problems. If you have thoughts or questions about coping with difficult parents, please comment below. Writing about your feelings and experiences is the best therapy - I welcome your comments and I read them all! But I regretfully can't offer personal advice.