I came to the realization not too long ago that I have a narcissistic mother. This happened when my friend was describing her mom. I was shocked at the similarities of my mom to her mother, that I was compelled to tell her that my mom is so similar with her mom. It was then that she told me that my mom could be narcissistic like her mom.
But, What is really a Narcissistic Mother?
In laymen's term, it is a mother who is suffering with a narcissistic disorder.
The name narcissist came from the Greek mythology character Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection.
Anyone with narcissistic disorder reflects everything on to other people, which is most applicable when it comes to narcissistic parents.
A narcissistic mother may only care about herself, but will not deny the chance to claim credit for their child's achievements.
She would never be critical of herself. She is blameless and will never accept any responsibility for anything. Nothing will ever be her fault.
But she would be highly critical of everyone around them. Criticizing is her favorite hobby and criticism is her natural language. She will hardly recognize she is critical of others. Her criticism extends to everything to the point that even celebrities will not be talented or good-looking enough.
Instead of accepting that she may have lacked something to be great in whatever field, she will criticize others who seem to be doing well in that field.
If your own attempts on your chosen field, does not succeed, be prepared to hear her "I told you so."
She will negate nearly everything good that you did. You will never be good enough.
Even if you try to become as perfect as possible to please her, she will still criticize you in return.
She will not fail to make negative comments about your body, your weight, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair, and she will do it as long as she can.
I am not a mental health expert but I have researched and studied a lot of materials on this, on the hopes of having a better relationship with my mom. And I want to share everything that I have learned from these studies, in the hopes of helping out other daughters who are suffering from this dilemma.
From my research, there are two basic types of narcissistic mothers:
Narcissistic mothers who attempt to take over completely, spend most of their time criticizing you. Sadly, It would be very seldom that it will be a constructive criticism.
Why are they so critical?
One reason that they are critical of you, is because you are an extension of them and you reflect upon them. They will never admit this fact, but they believe this, that is why they place a huge emphasis on your appearance. They are afraid that might think bad of her based on what they see in you.
You will see below a not so Comprehensive list of the Characteristics of a Narcissistic Mother.
See if your mother:
If your mother exhibits several of these characteristics, she is bound to be a Narcissistic Mother.
If your Mother is Narcissistic, what should you do?
First of all, You have to understand and know that she will almost always be this way.
In general, they do not change. These women truly believe they are perfect and they believe that everyone agrees with her.
It is unlikely that she will admit that she had a problem, and if she does, medication will be of no use.
So, what should you do?
The key to dealing with a narcissistic mother is to limit the amount of time you spend with her.
Seek Professional Help
The child of a narcissistic mother may find it unbearably painful to dredge up such memories and it is an excellent idea to seek professional help.
You may go through a period of mourning during therapy, due to the thoughts of having a mother who is not the ideal mother who cooks for you, helps you with your homework, and sews your costume.
The narcissistic mother could either be spoiled during her childhood days that she has never learned that the world does not revolve around her, or a child of at least one narcissistic parent.
Silently forgive your mother for not being the mother you needed.
You will have to do this more than once, but as you forgive, you release tension.
Avoid mentioning that she is narcissistic when dealing with her.
She will almost certainly deny it. She will just get mad at you and you don't need that. It accomplishes absolutely nothing.
Keep your contacts as brief and infrequent as possible.
Establish boundaries. When speaking with her, speak as if you are speaking to a sulky child: "Let's have a conversation in which neither of us criticizes anyone or anything."
Since having a conversation under those circumstances is impossible for her, she will be the one to end the conversation quickly.
Don't waste time arguing.
If your mother insists that she is not critical, just change the subject. Remember, she knows everything. If she wants an argument, calmly tell her you will have to leave or hang up. I assure you that you will feel so much better afterwards.
Recovering from a lifetime with a narcissistic mother may be challenge, but ultimately, will be rewarding.
It is essential that you learn why your childhood was so unhappy, and you realize that it is not your fault.
You will not only improve your life but also lessen the chances of becoming a narcissistic parent yourself.
But, What is really a Narcissistic Mother?
In laymen's term, it is a mother who is suffering with a narcissistic disorder.
The name narcissist came from the Greek mythology character Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection.
Anyone with narcissistic disorder reflects everything on to other people, which is most applicable when it comes to narcissistic parents.
A narcissistic mother may only care about herself, but will not deny the chance to claim credit for their child's achievements.
She would never be critical of herself. She is blameless and will never accept any responsibility for anything. Nothing will ever be her fault.
But she would be highly critical of everyone around them. Criticizing is her favorite hobby and criticism is her natural language. She will hardly recognize she is critical of others. Her criticism extends to everything to the point that even celebrities will not be talented or good-looking enough.
Instead of accepting that she may have lacked something to be great in whatever field, she will criticize others who seem to be doing well in that field.
If your own attempts on your chosen field, does not succeed, be prepared to hear her "I told you so."
She will negate nearly everything good that you did. You will never be good enough.
Even if you try to become as perfect as possible to please her, she will still criticize you in return.
She will not fail to make negative comments about your body, your weight, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair, and she will do it as long as she can.
I am not a mental health expert but I have researched and studied a lot of materials on this, on the hopes of having a better relationship with my mom. And I want to share everything that I have learned from these studies, in the hopes of helping out other daughters who are suffering from this dilemma.
From my research, there are two basic types of narcissistic mothers:
- The ones who are so wrapped up in themselves that they ignore their children, and
- the ones who attempt to take over completely.
Narcissistic mothers who attempt to take over completely, spend most of their time criticizing you. Sadly, It would be very seldom that it will be a constructive criticism.
Why are they so critical?
One reason that they are critical of you, is because you are an extension of them and you reflect upon them. They will never admit this fact, but they believe this, that is why they place a huge emphasis on your appearance. They are afraid that might think bad of her based on what they see in you.
You will see below a not so Comprehensive list of the Characteristics of a Narcissistic Mother.
See if your mother:
- Lack empathy
- is charming to others except for you
- is Self-obsessed
- Any emotional episode you mention will almost always produce a comparison to themselves
- She constantly brings herself into the conversation
- Refuses to discuss anything that does not relate directly to her or at the very least interests her
- Automatically expects you to share her interests and tastes
- She will make it perfectly clear to you that you have a part of your body that she really dislikes:
- weight - you're usually too fat
- height - you're always too tall or too short
- complexion
- makeup
- hair
- clothes
- friends
- Above all, your significant other!
- She may be delusional in the way she thinks she is far more intelligent, talented, or beautiful than she really is
- It's her way or the highway
- Everyone walks on eggshells around her, afraid of an outburst or worse, a tantrum
- She expects you to drop everything to see her or speak to her on the telephone
If your mother exhibits several of these characteristics, she is bound to be a Narcissistic Mother.
If your Mother is Narcissistic, what should you do?
First of all, You have to understand and know that she will almost always be this way.
In general, they do not change. These women truly believe they are perfect and they believe that everyone agrees with her.
It is unlikely that she will admit that she had a problem, and if she does, medication will be of no use.
So, what should you do?
The key to dealing with a narcissistic mother is to limit the amount of time you spend with her.
- If you live at home, do everything you can to leave.
- Limit telephone calls. If she is calling non-stop, do not feel guilty about this. The narcissistic mother relies on guilt and this is her favorite tactic to manipulate you. Never allow her to call you at work.
Some adult children of narcissistic mother opt for no contact at all. Should you choose to stay in touch, keep both telephone calls and visits to a minimum. If you don't, Be prepared to listen to her stories of how popular she was before, or listen to her talk behind your sister's back for the umpteenth time.
Narcissistic mothers view child rearing as an opportunity to experiment with the military concept of 'divide and conquer'. She will usually have a favored child, who can do no wrong, and a victim, who is the proverbial scapegoat for all of her frustrations. This child may be abused emotionally. Any money spent on this child is spent with obvious reluctance. This child will be told to grateful for everything and never to complain. The narcissistic mother will usually become livid, but perhaps just seethe while telling you how ungrateful you are.
Seek Professional Help
The child of a narcissistic mother may find it unbearably painful to dredge up such memories and it is an excellent idea to seek professional help.
You may go through a period of mourning during therapy, due to the thoughts of having a mother who is not the ideal mother who cooks for you, helps you with your homework, and sews your costume.
The narcissistic mother could either be spoiled during her childhood days that she has never learned that the world does not revolve around her, or a child of at least one narcissistic parent.
Silently forgive your mother for not being the mother you needed.
You will have to do this more than once, but as you forgive, you release tension.
Avoid mentioning that she is narcissistic when dealing with her.
She will almost certainly deny it. She will just get mad at you and you don't need that. It accomplishes absolutely nothing.
Keep your contacts as brief and infrequent as possible.
Establish boundaries. When speaking with her, speak as if you are speaking to a sulky child: "Let's have a conversation in which neither of us criticizes anyone or anything."
Since having a conversation under those circumstances is impossible for her, she will be the one to end the conversation quickly.
Don't waste time arguing.
If your mother insists that she is not critical, just change the subject. Remember, she knows everything. If she wants an argument, calmly tell her you will have to leave or hang up. I assure you that you will feel so much better afterwards.
Recovering from a lifetime with a narcissistic mother may be challenge, but ultimately, will be rewarding.
It is essential that you learn why your childhood was so unhappy, and you realize that it is not your fault.
You will not only improve your life but also lessen the chances of becoming a narcissistic parent yourself.
